My Bad

Dear Universe,

I don't really think you hate me. I wasn't in a happy place when I blamed you for that. You've been very good to me in a lot of other aspects in my life. I'm healthy, I have a great family and awesome friends.

What I have learned about infertility, or at least, the inability to get pregnant easily, is that it doesn't matter how much money you have, or your social standing, when it comes to this, there's an even playing field. While you can be affluent enough to be able to afford IVF or even adoption, no amount of money can MAKE you pregnant.

I'm taking a breath, regrouping, looking for an egg donor and hoping, dear Universe, that you'll still look out for me and find it in your huge heart to give me my baby...soon.

N x

My New Thing

If I see a pregnant woman, I'm going to stand near her and breathe in her pheromones. My germophobia is going to take a back seat for this experiment.

I figure, it can't hurt and maybe, just maybe it'll work...

N x

The Universe Hates Me

or has some other path for me. If it's the latter, I'd really appreciate being shown what it is because this being not pregnant thing is doing my head in.

I know I've jumped to the end of the past few weeks, so now I'll rewind and fill in the gap since my last post.
I went to NY for a couple of weeks. I needed a reset and wanted to catch up with my friends, one of whom offered for me to stay at her place, which I accepted!
So, I spent ten fun-filled days playing, shopping and eating in my favorite city and three days in Santa Monica with another girl friend doing more fun stuff. I had timed this vacation to my period...the day it arrived, I left, so I would arrive in Sydney early Saturday morning and would have time to go home, shower and get to the fertility clinic for my blood test.
Everything went to plan. This was the cycle that was going to work. I'd been taking A LOT of supplements given to me by my naturopath, I'd been eating well and was feeling great. I'd had ALL the tests, including the NK Cell test and everything was negative, or positive...whichever was the right way for said test.
You all know the drill for the two weeks. I don't want to bore you with the day by day hormone shots, blood tests, ultra sounds, phone calls...
Fast forward to the egg harvesting where the Doctor collected five eggs, two of which were mature enough to fertilize. One divided, the other was null and void. So I had one embryo implanted.
Fingers crossed.
One week later, was my progesterone blood test. The results of which were very favorable. All the nurses thought I was pregnant because my progesterone was so high.
The following week was my pregnancy blood test. This, as you know, I've never yet made it to without getting my period first. I DID, I made it. Last Monday was THE DAY. I had the test in the morning and had to wait, like always, until 2.00pm to make the phone call. I was sure, well, I hoped that the voice on the other end of the phone was going to tell me I was pregnant. I knew as soon as the nurse said hello to me that it wasn't good.
She told me I wasn't pregnant and how sorry she was and did I want counselling. I didn't know what I wanted...well, I did...I wanted her to tell me she was looking at someone else's file and I WAS actually pregnant, but that didn't happen.
One thing that has never been tested is my thyroid. Never, not once in these two and a half years, with doctors in two different countries, has any of them suggested I have a thyroid test. My friend in Los Angeles called me a couple of days ago and whilst we were talking, the subject came upbecause she had a lot of trouble getting pregnant and then after three miscarriages, an embryo finally stuck. She told me they finally worked out it was because she has a thyroid problem.
The following day, I called my GP, explained to her exactly what I'd been told and asked for very specific blood tests. She wrote me a referral and I went straight to the blood test place (whatever it's called). I should get the results tomorrow and am really kind of hoping the test shows something. I really need an answer and if this is it...awesome.
I'm feeling a bit better, and by that, I mean I can talk about it without getting upse but still don't understand why the Universe isn't letting me have my baby.
N x

Test Results...

I saw the Dr on Thursday and he gave me the results...I do NOT have NK Cells.

This is great. I think. At least if I did have them, I'd have an easy answer, with a pretty simple remedy...Prednisone. But nope, just old eggs.

Hoping all the supplements and Ayurveydic treatments I've been taking/having will pay off and the next (and maybe last) IVF cycle will be The One.

I'm in NY at the moment. It was a spur of the moment decision, after booking the ticket on Thursday morning!!! I left on Saturday evening and arrived yesterday. I needed a re-set and catch up with my friends, one of whom is the girl who offered to donate her eggs.

I'm staying at a girl friend's apartment. She and her boyfriend are away and she very kindly offered.

This is the view from bed...hello NY

The Last Piece of the Puzzle

I've been horribly neglectful, and for that I apologize, but I've had bloggers block. I can compose post in my head, whilst in the shower, walking the dog, or practicing yoga (when I should be concentrating on my breathing and bundas), but when I sit down to actually "write" it, there's nothing, nada, zip, zilch. My fingers and brain haven't been gelling.

Here goes...

After a couple of months on all the supplements given to me by the naturopath, I'm feeling great. My iron and vitamin D are low and my cholesterol is high. It's all being monitored with pills and potions.

Last week, my Mum told me about a fertility Doctor she had found out about. His name is Dr Gavin Sacks and he's THE ONLY Doctor in Australia who performs a test called Natural Killer cell testing. She reckons she told me months ago, but I would have remembered that.

I really wanted to do this test this month, so I can start IVF next cycle. I really don't want to wait much longer...

I called last Thursday, in the hope I would get a quick appointment, but knowing full well a new patient has to wait in the line like everyone else. I was told the earliest I could see him would be Sept 14th, not so bad. I called back ten minutes later to ask a couple of questions about the test. The woman was lovely and extremely helpful. She told me all about the test and that I actually didn't need to see the Dr before hand if I didn't want, but the test is done between days 21 and 26 of your cycle. Hmmm, that's soon for me, this week, actually. I begged but not in a creepy way, for a cancellation for this week.

I was told he'd been away and there was a back up of patients waiting. PLEEEEEASE, I can come at a moment's notice. She took my mobile number and promised it would stay next to her computer just in case.

All weekend I've been visualizing her calling me on Monday (today), to tell me there's been a cancellation and I can come tomorrow.

It worked.

I got a phone call this morning. My appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

Go figure.

I'll tell you all about it while I'm recouping...

It's really the last question I have about why I can't get pregnant. I've always said, I don't think my body knows how to get pregnant, maybe this is the reason.

til tomorrow...

N x

Good Eggs

I'm still very bloated and spoke to the Dr about it today. He said it's normal because there is blood in the cavities around my ovaries from piercing them yesterday.

I had two good eggs out of five. They were both fertilized and I'm being inseminated TOMORROW.

Hello Universe

I would like to thank you, yet again for all the incredibly selfless, wonderful friends you have bestowed on me.

Last week one of my girlfriends in the US offered to donate her eggs to me. We met at yoga about ten years ago...I don't want to reveal too much about her, except to say that she's a decade younger than me and is, and always has been a gorgeous person...inside and out. We never really socialized, mainly because we had different friends, but I saw her a couple of times a week and we've kept in contact through all my moving in the US and to Sydney.

She had a baby in May and we've been emailing and IMing about her new addition. Since the very beginning, she's been there for my baby plight. We were talking about it last week and in the conversation I mentioned to her that the Doctor has suggested I consider donor eggs. I thought nothing of it and kept chatting. A couple of days later I received an email from her offering her eggs...I was blown away...and I cried.

I offered for her, her hubby and baby to come here to do it seeing as

a) my Dr is here

b) the cost, even if I paid for them all to come out, would be more favorable because of our health system compared to that in the States

c) I would have extra embryos here in case the first pregnancy didn't work

and

d) who wouldn't want an all expenses paid vacation to Sydney, Australia...

BUT

I called my Doctor this morning to ask about the logistics, but because she's breastfeeding, she can't start the hormones until after. And even then, she has to have her first period before anything can happen.

Oh well, it was an amazing offer and I'm still going to try one more time with my own eggs...

Protein power...

N x