Hello May

This is how April went for me...

Over the Easter weekend, I met a guy who I actually like...FINALLY. We were introduced through friends, which is so much nicer than meeting a stranger on-line. He and I have SO many mutual friends, it's now like a running joke when one of us is introduced to the others friends, as to how long it takes before we find the six degrees. I've actually reconnected with friends from school, which has been a blast and I finally have some semblance of a social life!

The Fertility Clinic called me a week ago to let me know they're ready for me to start again whenever I'm ready. WOW, I've been waiting since September. I had to see the Doctor again to sign new paperwork. We talked about the Grazia article and what's going on with the new legislation surrounding IVF and donor sperm.

Guess what...I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO CANBERRA.

It actually worked out better for me that I didn't have sperm left over here, because it would have been sent to to the clinic in Canberra for storage. Had that happened, that's where I would have had to go for IVF. So...YAY, I can do it all in Sydney. I was also informed that they had sperm already here and if I liked any of those donor profiles, I could have one. YAY again...no waiting. I would have to call the clinic, which is in a different location to the Doctor's rooms, to make an appointment to see the nurse about the donor sperm.

I called, only to be told my prospective baby daddy was all sold out, but they were expecting another shipment the following week, which was last week. Like a pair of shoes, or a handbag that I HAD TO HAVE, I waited patiently through last weekend. By patiently, I actually mean, racked with guilt because, you see, although we've only been seeing one another for a couple of weeks, I felt the need to tell the new man. If this is going to be anything, I have to be honest from the get go.

I had been through the scenarios...

1. I don't tell him, I have IVF and I actually get pregnant. Now what? Do I pretend it's his?

2. I don't tell him, I have IVF and I don't get pregnant but still really want a baby.

3. I tell him, he's opposed to me having a baby with donor sperm and wants me to use his (in my dreams)

4. I tell him, he freaks out and doesn't know what to think

This is how it went down.

We sat down to dinner, I was so nervous because, obviously, I had no idea where it was going to go. However, I knew he wasn't going to get up and walk out, or go white and vomit!!! So I just launched into it...

Me: "I turned 41, was single and still hadn't had a baby and really wanted one. So, after some research and talking to my family, I decided to use donor sperm and be artificially inseminated."

Him: "I understand that. I can't imagine now not having kids"

Me: "This is not something I expected to say after ten days, but the clinic called me on Friday to let me know that I can start again. I've been waiting since September. Plus, I haven't been in a relationship for two years!"

We talked about it. I told him I didn't want him to think I'm trying to trap him, and if the Universe aligns, we end up together and I'm pregnant, I also don't expect anything but emotional support as I was doing it long before I met him and I didn't want him to think I'm out there looking for someone to pay for a baby he never asked for and wasn't his. He said he would be there for me no matter whether we end up together or not (where has this guy come from?????).

He then asked me what he should expect from me when I start taking the hormones. Dunno...really I don't. I was actually not terrible the last time, but I can't promise I wont be a bitch.

So, he never ran away, we had a fun dinner and didn't spend it all talking about IVF.

I knew this was going to resurface, just not sure when and where. No time like last night, sitting in a different restaurant having a conversation about stuff. He told me he's been struggling with the notion of me being pregnant and having a baby and he's not sure whether he can deal with it. It's a HUGE ask on my part, I realize this. I really do and completely understand where he's coming from.

Let me say also that it's not over. I asked him this morning to please not give up on this. He smiled and said he wasn't planning to.

So, here I am...in desperate need of a crystal ball, or a sign.

N x