Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Update and Me on the Telly

Tuesday, November 13, 2012
First of all, here are my week 17 and 18 update photos. I can see a big difference from one week to the next...

week 17 plus messy, wet hair

week 18


Now on to something I did yesterday...an interview on The Project

There was a story written in The Sun Herald about women in their late 30s, early 40s who don't have a partner and are turning to IVF and donor sperm.

Here's the story...

http://www.smh.com.au/national/health/flying-solo-more-women-abandon-search-for-prince-charming-and-opt-to-have-ivf-baby-20121110-294u5.html

There were some sore points for me in this article, but the top one was the term "social infertility". Had I not known what the article was about, I would have thought it meant someone who can't make friends.
WRONG
It refers to a woman who wants to have a baby but has no male partner, so she turns to donor sperm and IVF.
WHAT???
The person who coined this phrase obviously has never had a a problem with fertility, either personally or someone close to them because infertility to a woman who IS truly infertile, doesn't matter whether she has a male partner or not...she CANNOT GET PREGNANT.

Now, I have NO problem with women using donor sperm to get pregnant. Hell, I was one of the 40 year olds who realized my fertility window was closing and made the decision my dream of having a loving partner who wanted me to be his Baby Mumma was not happening.
After five years and seven rounds of IVF, I then came to the realization my eggs weren't viable and the ONLY way I had any chance of getting pregnant was to use an egg donor. If you've been playing along, you'd know all of this. If you're new here, you really should start from the very beginning...it's a very good place to start (now I have an earworm).

I digress - I was asked if I'd like to be on The Project to discuss the above article.
YES YES YES
There are SO many women I chat to on Twitter who are dealing with genuine infertility. Some are single, others in a relationship, but have tried for years to have a baby and failed, whilst others have a baby but only after going through the emotional roller coaster and spending big bucks on many rounds of IVF. All were seething about the words "social infertility". I needed to be their voice...

http://theprojecttv.com.au/video.htm?movideo_p=39696&movideo_m=244487

I was SO nervous but the panel made me feel very much at ease...both Meshel Laurie and Dr Andrew have twins and Carrie is (now) a single Mum, so they could all relate to some aspect of what I am about to go through!!!.

Of course, on my way home, thought of all the things I should have said, or things I meant to say, so here they are...

QUESTION: Was it a hard decision for you to become a single parent?

ANSWER: Yes, very and while I can't speak for every woman, I think a lot will agree when I say we all have that "dream life" embedded in our subconscious...Mr Right wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, kids and a family pet. When my marriage ended in my mid 30s, I figured I still had time for another relationship and babies. I did - I spent three years with a guy who was a couple of years younger than me and kept telling me he wasn't ready for kids. Shoulda listened.
That ended and after a couple more short-lived flings and a rocky on, off love affair, I found myself single and 40. A girl friend told me I should look into using a sperm donor if having a baby was so important to me (which it was/is). At first I was against it, but the seed was planted (pun intended) so I started researching it and decided it *was* a good option.

QUESTION: The IVF industry has called women who make this decision ‘socially infertile’,    what do you make of that label?

ANSWER: I think it's demeaning to those women who are genuinely infertile whether they have a male partner or not.
*I pretty much answered this when I talked about the article above.

QUESTION: What are some of the criticisms you’ve encountered as a result of your decision?

ANSWER: *sigh* There seem to be a lot of naysayers who love to critique everyone else's lives. 
- I've been told I'm too old to be a first time mother, 
- I've been told if a woman can't have a baby naturally, the Universe obviously doesn't want her to be a mother, 
- I've been told I'll damage my child/children because they won't know their birth father and ALL kids need to know this. Why? I am not sure. 

In a perfect world, all kids would grow up in a wonderful happy family, but for many, unfortunately this isn't the case. Women have what they think is a wonderful relationship, get pregnant and it all goes to shit during the pregnancy so she's left single.
 
Or the family breaks up when the kids already know their Dad and he disappears from their lives (this happened to a friend of mine). All her kids are well adjusted and not broken.

The parents are same sex. Again, I know a couple of families who have unbroken children who think nothing of it.

I'm going to tell my kids how much they were wanted and what lengths I went to to have them. I have a Father, two brothers and many male friends in my life, so there will be no shortage of testosterone or people to answer "boy" questions.

QUESTION: What do you say to those who believe people in your position should have made more of an effort to become a parent earlier in life, rather than relying on IVF later down the track?

ANSWER: I'd like to tell them to f&*k off and mind their own business, but instead I smile and say I would have loved to have had kids ten years ago, but circumstances didn't allow for it. I have no idea whether I could have EVER had them naturally, so even when I was married, I might have had to have IVF but I'll never know and have put that out of my mind because there's no use dwelling on the past.

Young girls spend their teenage to at least mid to late 20s trying to NOT get pregnant, so when we're finally at the stage for wanting kids, it's sometimes later than our bodies are prepared for. Egg quality diminishes at 35, which, in this day and age, is not considered old. Thankfully we live in a time where IVF isn't taboo and, whilst it's not inexpensive, a lot is Medicare funded.

For this...I am grateful 

N x












12 comments:

~stinkb0mb~ said...

You were great on The Project Nicky and as one of those women who does have genuine infertility, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for going on and saying you don't agree with the term social infertility. I hear it and a part of me feels a tad insulted, being single does not mean you're infertile.

x

Kelly Exeter said...

I too would like to thank you Nicky for being a voice for people like Rach (stinkb0mb). I think your appearance on the Project gave lots of very judgemental people some serious food for thought!

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

I can't see the Project on iPad but I wholeheartedly agree with what you have written. It is insulting to women who suffer infertility .

As an infertile woman , married or not, it makes no difference when you cannot fall pregant.

It is none of their business to pass judgement why anyone turns to IVF.If a single woman has the yearning to parent, love and nurture a child so let them be.

I am very thankful that after years of infertility we were able to fall pregnant by Medicare funded IVF (partially).

Twitchy said...

So awed by your commitment and self-belief to do this solo. Just awe. Don't know that I could. Power to you, Nikki. I wish you all the best, nothing but the best xxxxxx

Amy121 said...

Hi Nicky
I was wondering if you're able to tell me more about the places you got your donor sperm and donor eggs, how you got in contact with them and the costs involved. I apologise if you've written about it in the blog and I've missed it (I'm trying to read your back posts but I'm doing a tonne of research reading at the moment!). I'm interested in both. There's a really long waiting list for sperm in Australia and it's time that is just wasted whilst you keep aging. The clinics here (WA) don't seem to use overseas donors and I don't know where to start. It's so hard to get information and the doctors are so unhelpful. Any help at all would be desperately appreciated! Email is catcher121@gmail.com
Thanks
Amy

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Victoria said...

Thank you for making me feel less alone on a similar journey. At 37 I found out I had premature ovrian failure. Now at nearly 4O my husband and I will try egg donation.

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