Anyway...

My embryo transfer was yesterday afternoon. I'm taking it easy over the next couple of weeks...not going out drinking (not that I do a lot of that anyway), no yoga (my teacher wouldn't let me in the studio anyway), home made, warming food (which is pretty much how I eat anyway).

I'll meditate and repeat my affirmations in the mornings, when I'd usually be practicing yoga, and walk a lot with Ollie.

This embryo is going to be my baby

This embryo is going to be my baby

This embryo is going to be my baby

One Fertile Egg

Out of my three eggs that were harvested yesterday, one wasn't mature and one didn't fertilize, so I'm left with ONE egg. But that's all I need, right??? One fertile egg...

The transfer is tomorrow afternoon, provided my egg keeps dividing overnight, which it will, of course.

N x

Eggs Eggs Eggs Eggs

I now have no eggs...they were extracted this afternoon, 3.00 to be precise, under anesthetic (me, not the Doctor).

I went to yoga this morning and raced to get a coffee before my food/drink cut-off time of 7.30am. I actually made it through the day without being hungry at all. It was just long and I started running out of things to do because wherever I did want to go, it was next to food, and whilst I wasn't hungry, I certainly did not want to be put in the position of having to smell or see it!!!

The procedure takes about thirty minutes, but I had to stay for another 45 to recover from the anesthetic. My Mum picked me up and took me home.

Oh and I had THREE eggs!!! Now I can have another anxiety-filled 12 hours while I wait to hear how many fertilized...fingers crossed...ALL OF THEM.

N x

My Mantra For Today...

Egg collection is this afternoon

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

An Anxiety-Filled Week

My egg collection (it sounds like I live on a farm) is on Wednesday afternoon. I had a blood test and ultrasound this morning. My estrogen levels are great and I have one big follicle and a couple of medium ones. The nurses said they could grow between now and when the eggs are harvested because I still had to inject myself tonight with hormones and follicle stimulant. I also have to wake up at 3am to inject the Ovidrel trigger shot because it has to be done exactly thirty six hours prior to my visit to the clinic.

I'm praying (in my own way) for numerous fertile eggs.

They take my eggs and inject ONE sperm into each of them.

I'm praying (in my own way) that they fertilize

Then, on Friday or Saturday, I'll go back and have one, or maybe two transferred back into my uterus.

I'll be doing more praying then too.

Gotta go to bed now because I have to be up in three hours!!!

N x

The Back-Up Plan

One of my girlfriends called me during the week to see whether I had plans for Saturday night because she wanted to see The Back-Up Plan, but only if I was available. Yes, I was, so she bought tickets online for four of us to go. You have to buy them online because queuing up on Saturday evening for movie tickets is neither fun nor necessary when they're available via your keyboard.

The theater was packed, probably due to the shitty weather. The movie started and within the first ten minutes, I had tears rolling down my face. I meant to bring makeup with me for when we went out after, but forgot...damn it. I cried a bit more, and there were scenes that were so ridiculous that we were cringing, but all in all, J Lo looked fantastic...I want all the shoes she was wearing and Alex O'Loughlin is H.O.T.

We walked out of the cinema and I ran into the nurse from the Fertility Clinic (who was going to see another movie). I'm taking that as a good omen for this week.

I suppose I should update you all on what's going on...I've been on Puregon since last week. When I say on, I mean injecting and have a blood test and ultrasound tomorrow morning, mainly to see when I'm going to be ready to have my eggs harvested. Probably Wednesday, which means Friday or Saturday will be the embryo transfer.

I could be pregnant this time next week.

N x

Round Three Take 2

The nurses at the clinic were correct (I know, right?) about me getting a period this week-ish. I was SURE it wasn't due for at least another ten days, but surprise, surprise, I got it last night.

Knowing how busy the Fertility Clinic is first thing in the morning, I headed there just after 8am for a blood test. It was lovely to see all the nurses so excited to see me there.

I had a blood test and an ultrasound. Most of the cysts had gone...I had a couple of small ones, but, gone enough to be told that it was pretty much a given that I'd start Puregon injections tonight or tomorrow night.

I called for the results at 2.15 and was told to start tonight. I have TWO alarms set for 10pm. I have to give them to myself at the same time every night.

N x

More Shittiness

Last week went neither quite as I had expected, nor as I'd planned. Not that I'd actually planned something special, but I had presumed I would be starting a new round of IVF and still be seeing the man.

How terribly wrong I was...

My estrogen levels, as I reported, were too high to start the drugs. As for The Man, well, he told me, after much deliberation and many sleepless nights, he's unable to be a part of my baby journey as my boyfriend, but *can* do it as my friend...emotionally. Without giving away too much of his privacy, he has kids and has therefore been through the pregnancy/baby thing, and *they* were his. Going through it, would mean living through me being pregnant with not-his-baby, but knowing I need his emotional support and this is what he can't deal with, especially as he'd only known me for a few weeks. Who knows where it would have headed? This is a rhetorical question...

I DO understand his reasoning, and I'm disappointed. He liked me. I know this because I've been told by more than one of our mutual girl friends, who also get what he's dealing with, seeing as they've known him longer than me, but agree when I've said I think he's putting the cart before the horse seeing as I'm not pregnant (yet). Nothing I can say is going to change his mind and only time will tell whether he and I can be more than friends. We've never actually been *just* friends!!!

Now I have to wait until my next period to start the next course of IVF. More fuckin' waiting and now, after being honest, I'm back in Singlesville.

N x

...Or Not

After yet another blood test yesterday morning, I was told my estrogen levels are still far too high to start injections. I have to go back to the clinic on Monday for yet another ultrasound...

Until then...I wait...again...WTF

Ready For Round Three

I got my period on Saturday and today, I re-entered the world of IVF. I walked into the familiarity of the Fertility Clinic, handed over my Medicare card, and found a seat in the waiting room, where I sat with single women, heterosexual and lesbian couples and waited for my turn on the blood test chair.

Then, as always, I was sent on my way...only to have to call for the results between 2.00 and 3.00pm. Well, at 12.30, I received a phone call from the head honcho nurse asking me to come back in because my estrogen levels were too high and they wanted to do an ultrasound. Sure, I'll be right there...thankfully I work five minutes from the clinic. Can you say CONVENIENT.

The ultrasound showed I have quite a few large follicles. This totally threw Nurse Caroline and called in another colleague, who looked at the screen and said "oooh."

This is synonymous with ovulation, not day three of a period. Everyone was perplexed, so I was sent on my way for the second time and asked to still call. Which I did and was told the Dr wants me back on Wednesday for another blood test.

Fine with me. Yesterday I asked for a sign. Is this it???

Hello May

This is how April went for me...

Over the Easter weekend, I met a guy who I actually like...FINALLY. We were introduced through friends, which is so much nicer than meeting a stranger on-line. He and I have SO many mutual friends, it's now like a running joke when one of us is introduced to the others friends, as to how long it takes before we find the six degrees. I've actually reconnected with friends from school, which has been a blast and I finally have some semblance of a social life!

The Fertility Clinic called me a week ago to let me know they're ready for me to start again whenever I'm ready. WOW, I've been waiting since September. I had to see the Doctor again to sign new paperwork. We talked about the Grazia article and what's going on with the new legislation surrounding IVF and donor sperm.

Guess what...I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO CANBERRA.

It actually worked out better for me that I didn't have sperm left over here, because it would have been sent to to the clinic in Canberra for storage. Had that happened, that's where I would have had to go for IVF. So...YAY, I can do it all in Sydney. I was also informed that they had sperm already here and if I liked any of those donor profiles, I could have one. YAY again...no waiting. I would have to call the clinic, which is in a different location to the Doctor's rooms, to make an appointment to see the nurse about the donor sperm.

I called, only to be told my prospective baby daddy was all sold out, but they were expecting another shipment the following week, which was last week. Like a pair of shoes, or a handbag that I HAD TO HAVE, I waited patiently through last weekend. By patiently, I actually mean, racked with guilt because, you see, although we've only been seeing one another for a couple of weeks, I felt the need to tell the new man. If this is going to be anything, I have to be honest from the get go.

I had been through the scenarios...

1. I don't tell him, I have IVF and I actually get pregnant. Now what? Do I pretend it's his?

2. I don't tell him, I have IVF and I don't get pregnant but still really want a baby.

3. I tell him, he's opposed to me having a baby with donor sperm and wants me to use his (in my dreams)

4. I tell him, he freaks out and doesn't know what to think

This is how it went down.

We sat down to dinner, I was so nervous because, obviously, I had no idea where it was going to go. However, I knew he wasn't going to get up and walk out, or go white and vomit!!! So I just launched into it...

Me: "I turned 41, was single and still hadn't had a baby and really wanted one. So, after some research and talking to my family, I decided to use donor sperm and be artificially inseminated."

Him: "I understand that. I can't imagine now not having kids"

Me: "This is not something I expected to say after ten days, but the clinic called me on Friday to let me know that I can start again. I've been waiting since September. Plus, I haven't been in a relationship for two years!"

We talked about it. I told him I didn't want him to think I'm trying to trap him, and if the Universe aligns, we end up together and I'm pregnant, I also don't expect anything but emotional support as I was doing it long before I met him and I didn't want him to think I'm out there looking for someone to pay for a baby he never asked for and wasn't his. He said he would be there for me no matter whether we end up together or not (where has this guy come from?????).

He then asked me what he should expect from me when I start taking the hormones. Dunno...really I don't. I was actually not terrible the last time, but I can't promise I wont be a bitch.

So, he never ran away, we had a fun dinner and didn't spend it all talking about IVF.

I knew this was going to resurface, just not sure when and where. No time like last night, sitting in a different restaurant having a conversation about stuff. He told me he's been struggling with the notion of me being pregnant and having a baby and he's not sure whether he can deal with it. It's a HUGE ask on my part, I realize this. I really do and completely understand where he's coming from.

Let me say also that it's not over. I asked him this morning to please not give up on this. He smiled and said he wasn't planning to.

So, here I am...in desperate need of a crystal ball, or a sign.

N x