My Bad

Dear Universe,

I don't really think you hate me. I wasn't in a happy place when I blamed you for that. You've been very good to me in a lot of other aspects in my life. I'm healthy, I have a great family and awesome friends.

What I have learned about infertility, or at least, the inability to get pregnant easily, is that it doesn't matter how much money you have, or your social standing, when it comes to this, there's an even playing field. While you can be affluent enough to be able to afford IVF or even adoption, no amount of money can MAKE you pregnant.

I'm taking a breath, regrouping, looking for an egg donor and hoping, dear Universe, that you'll still look out for me and find it in your huge heart to give me my baby...soon.

N x

My New Thing

If I see a pregnant woman, I'm going to stand near her and breathe in her pheromones. My germophobia is going to take a back seat for this experiment.

I figure, it can't hurt and maybe, just maybe it'll work...

N x

The Universe Hates Me

or has some other path for me. If it's the latter, I'd really appreciate being shown what it is because this being not pregnant thing is doing my head in.

I know I've jumped to the end of the past few weeks, so now I'll rewind and fill in the gap since my last post.
I went to NY for a couple of weeks. I needed a reset and wanted to catch up with my friends, one of whom offered for me to stay at her place, which I accepted!
So, I spent ten fun-filled days playing, shopping and eating in my favorite city and three days in Santa Monica with another girl friend doing more fun stuff. I had timed this vacation to my period...the day it arrived, I left, so I would arrive in Sydney early Saturday morning and would have time to go home, shower and get to the fertility clinic for my blood test.
Everything went to plan. This was the cycle that was going to work. I'd been taking A LOT of supplements given to me by my naturopath, I'd been eating well and was feeling great. I'd had ALL the tests, including the NK Cell test and everything was negative, or positive...whichever was the right way for said test.
You all know the drill for the two weeks. I don't want to bore you with the day by day hormone shots, blood tests, ultra sounds, phone calls...
Fast forward to the egg harvesting where the Doctor collected five eggs, two of which were mature enough to fertilize. One divided, the other was null and void. So I had one embryo implanted.
Fingers crossed.
One week later, was my progesterone blood test. The results of which were very favorable. All the nurses thought I was pregnant because my progesterone was so high.
The following week was my pregnancy blood test. This, as you know, I've never yet made it to without getting my period first. I DID, I made it. Last Monday was THE DAY. I had the test in the morning and had to wait, like always, until 2.00pm to make the phone call. I was sure, well, I hoped that the voice on the other end of the phone was going to tell me I was pregnant. I knew as soon as the nurse said hello to me that it wasn't good.
She told me I wasn't pregnant and how sorry she was and did I want counselling. I didn't know what I wanted...well, I did...I wanted her to tell me she was looking at someone else's file and I WAS actually pregnant, but that didn't happen.
One thing that has never been tested is my thyroid. Never, not once in these two and a half years, with doctors in two different countries, has any of them suggested I have a thyroid test. My friend in Los Angeles called me a couple of days ago and whilst we were talking, the subject came upbecause she had a lot of trouble getting pregnant and then after three miscarriages, an embryo finally stuck. She told me they finally worked out it was because she has a thyroid problem.
The following day, I called my GP, explained to her exactly what I'd been told and asked for very specific blood tests. She wrote me a referral and I went straight to the blood test place (whatever it's called). I should get the results tomorrow and am really kind of hoping the test shows something. I really need an answer and if this is it...awesome.
I'm feeling a bit better, and by that, I mean I can talk about it without getting upse but still don't understand why the Universe isn't letting me have my baby.
N x

Test Results...

I saw the Dr on Thursday and he gave me the results...I do NOT have NK Cells.

This is great. I think. At least if I did have them, I'd have an easy answer, with a pretty simple remedy...Prednisone. But nope, just old eggs.

Hoping all the supplements and Ayurveydic treatments I've been taking/having will pay off and the next (and maybe last) IVF cycle will be The One.

I'm in NY at the moment. It was a spur of the moment decision, after booking the ticket on Thursday morning!!! I left on Saturday evening and arrived yesterday. I needed a re-set and catch up with my friends, one of whom is the girl who offered to donate her eggs.

I'm staying at a girl friend's apartment. She and her boyfriend are away and she very kindly offered.

This is the view from bed...hello NY

The Last Piece of the Puzzle

I've been horribly neglectful, and for that I apologize, but I've had bloggers block. I can compose post in my head, whilst in the shower, walking the dog, or practicing yoga (when I should be concentrating on my breathing and bundas), but when I sit down to actually "write" it, there's nothing, nada, zip, zilch. My fingers and brain haven't been gelling.

Here goes...

After a couple of months on all the supplements given to me by the naturopath, I'm feeling great. My iron and vitamin D are low and my cholesterol is high. It's all being monitored with pills and potions.

Last week, my Mum told me about a fertility Doctor she had found out about. His name is Dr Gavin Sacks and he's THE ONLY Doctor in Australia who performs a test called Natural Killer cell testing. She reckons she told me months ago, but I would have remembered that.

I really wanted to do this test this month, so I can start IVF next cycle. I really don't want to wait much longer...

I called last Thursday, in the hope I would get a quick appointment, but knowing full well a new patient has to wait in the line like everyone else. I was told the earliest I could see him would be Sept 14th, not so bad. I called back ten minutes later to ask a couple of questions about the test. The woman was lovely and extremely helpful. She told me all about the test and that I actually didn't need to see the Dr before hand if I didn't want, but the test is done between days 21 and 26 of your cycle. Hmmm, that's soon for me, this week, actually. I begged but not in a creepy way, for a cancellation for this week.

I was told he'd been away and there was a back up of patients waiting. PLEEEEEASE, I can come at a moment's notice. She took my mobile number and promised it would stay next to her computer just in case.

All weekend I've been visualizing her calling me on Monday (today), to tell me there's been a cancellation and I can come tomorrow.

It worked.

I got a phone call this morning. My appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

Go figure.

I'll tell you all about it while I'm recouping...

It's really the last question I have about why I can't get pregnant. I've always said, I don't think my body knows how to get pregnant, maybe this is the reason.

til tomorrow...

N x

Good Eggs

I'm still very bloated and spoke to the Dr about it today. He said it's normal because there is blood in the cavities around my ovaries from piercing them yesterday.

I had two good eggs out of five. They were both fertilized and I'm being inseminated TOMORROW.

Hello Universe

I would like to thank you, yet again for all the incredibly selfless, wonderful friends you have bestowed on me.

Last week one of my girlfriends in the US offered to donate her eggs to me. We met at yoga about ten years ago...I don't want to reveal too much about her, except to say that she's a decade younger than me and is, and always has been a gorgeous person...inside and out. We never really socialized, mainly because we had different friends, but I saw her a couple of times a week and we've kept in contact through all my moving in the US and to Sydney.

She had a baby in May and we've been emailing and IMing about her new addition. Since the very beginning, she's been there for my baby plight. We were talking about it last week and in the conversation I mentioned to her that the Doctor has suggested I consider donor eggs. I thought nothing of it and kept chatting. A couple of days later I received an email from her offering her eggs...I was blown away...and I cried.

I offered for her, her hubby and baby to come here to do it seeing as

a) my Dr is here

b) the cost, even if I paid for them all to come out, would be more favorable because of our health system compared to that in the States

c) I would have extra embryos here in case the first pregnancy didn't work

and

d) who wouldn't want an all expenses paid vacation to Sydney, Australia...

BUT

I called my Doctor this morning to ask about the logistics, but because she's breastfeeding, she can't start the hormones until after. And even then, she has to have her first period before anything can happen.

Oh well, it was an amazing offer and I'm still going to try one more time with my own eggs...

Protein power...

N x

Lentil Day

I had my appointment with the naturopath yesterday. She told me she can help with my egg production and quality. G-d knows it what I need right now. I've decided to wait a couple of months before I do another round of IVF to make this worthwhile.

We chatted, she asked questions...lots of questions, she looked into my eyes, caringly, not lovingly...she also practices iridology. She told me my iron is low and I'm not eating enough protein, which is needed for egg production. I left with a swag of vitamin supplements and a new eating regime.

I don't eat early breakfast. Never have. I can't eat before 10am. I now have to eat protein for each meal (three times a day) and must eat protein by 8am. Because I don't eat nuts, I have to eat an egg or veggie soup first thing in the morning. I also have to graze in between meals. This is way more food than I'm used to and am wondering where it's all going to fit - in my stomach, but I'm going to follow it because it can only improve my chances.

Today was day one. I had one egg in my fridge, which I managed to drop on the floor, (not happy, Jan) so I ate a piece of toast with cheese and took my handful of capsules.

She said I can still have my one soy latte every day. Thank goodness.

For lunch I bought a lentil soup from the health food store. And for dinner, more lentils!!! Not really sure why today was lentil day, but tomorrow I think I'll give them a wide berth...

For someone who doesn't eat a lot of meat, they are a savior because they have nearly as much protein as red meat and I feel better for eating them.

This was not the most thrilling blog post, but I wanted to keep you updated.
The next one will be more fun...

N x

Donor Baby

I've been a bit slack...very slack, actually the past two weeks. I've ignored my blog...but I have been very present on Twitter!!! I'm usually great at multitasking. I can watch Masterchef or Glee or Modern Family (one of the wittiest shows ever) and Tweet about them, whilst cooking dinner and, in turn eating said dinner. What I'm unable to achieve, clearly, has been posting on my blog and for that, dear Reader, I apologize.

I spent a few days up the coast, after I found out I wasn't pregnant. I hung out with friends, went for long walks on the beach and ate a lot of vegetarian food and read a fun, perfect-for-vacation book...After the Fall, by Kylie Ladd. It's a great book and there's at least one character that every reader can relate to. The weekend was cathartic.

Now I'm back and have decisions to make...

I saw the Doctor on Tuesday. He told me I can try another IVF cycle or I can think about donor eggs. After three cycles, I've had one viable egg each time, which, whilst better than NO EGG, is not great. Especially as they've all been BFN's...it's "trying to conceive" lingo for BIG FAT NEGATIVE. For the girls who have more than one mature egg and can have them fertilized and frozen, even if one pregnancy doesn't work, they have embryos that can be used. This means they don't have to go through the whole injection/ovulation/ultrasound process, which, in turn, also means they don't have to have another anesthetic for egg collection.

My other option is using an egg donor and unless I have a family member or friend under 35, who is willing to donate, this process is not available in Australia. Shocked? Yeah, no, me either. The clinic has affiliations with clinics overseas where it IS legal to use donor eggs. These are in Greece, Barcelona, South Africa and the US. The cost ranges from $5000 to $50,000...depending on the country of choice.

While going to NY would be easiest for me and more cost effective re accommodation and I catching up with friends, the IVF cycle would cost me $50K. One day the US will bring in Socialized medicine.

Friends have asked whether getting pregnant using a donor egg and donor sperm is worth it and isn't it easier then to just adopt? There is no "just adopt" for me. I'm single, I can't adopt (another fabulous Australian law). The donors have been screened, as opposed to the biological mothers of the babies who are put up for adoption, who, could be drug addicts, or sexually abused women who don't want to keep their babies. I've heard stories, from close friends who have friends with adopted children. Two of whom had drug addict birth mothers and both kids have major behavioral problems.

I keep saying, I want to be pregnant. Using donor eggs affords me that. The Doctor also told me I have a higher chance of conceiving because the eggs are younger.

What I've decided is to give IVF one last try. I'm going all out though. I'm seeing my naturopath tomorrow. On the phone, she told me she can help boost my egg quality but it's going to take a few months. I have nothing to lose by doing this.

Will update after my appointment tomorrow...

N x

Fuck Fuckity Fuck

Blood test this morning + period this morning = not pregnant

Things People Say

While I'm on this emotional roller coaster, I need positive people around me who sprout positive affirmations and only say positive things. Even if they don't 100% believe it themselves.

The female members of my family, both of them, are incredibly supportive...my brothers don't not want to hear, but neither would ask or bring it up and my Dad still puts his fingers in his ears and goes lalalalalalala whenever anything IVF is brought up. They are not negative though and will be happy when I can finally tell them I'm pregnant.

All my friends are supportive, but there are some, who, say something inappropriate, without realizing it, after asking how I'm feeling and where in the IVF cycle I'm up to. Take, for instance, this week. Although I say I'm anxious but still being really positive, someone will say

"well, if it doesn't work this time, you can try again" or

"It will happen, even if it's not this time" or, the one I hate the most

"have you considered adopting?"

I'm not up to that. I'm being positive and, as all my Twitter friends know #thisembryowillbemybaby. Plus, as a single girl, I can't adopt, so there.

My response is usually to say "I'm taking one day at a time."

A select few who have no fucking idea (sorry friends), STILL insist on talking about adoption, or how many more times I'm planning on doing IVF. It happened last week and in the end, I had to change the subject.

ARGH

My blood test is Wednesday. I'm tempted to turn up tomorrow for it...

Red Flags

I don't want to give too much air time to this because the person involved doesn't really deserve much more of my energy...hi, *waves* at Janelle.

I do, however, need to put in writing how she has made me feel. Not just me, a lot of my friends also, but many of them have their own blogs and have written their own words. Sass posted here and here, Bernadette said her piece here, Taryn blogged and Thea vented (sorry if I've missed anyone).

This skanky, lying, conning bitch sucked us into believing she had stage IV melanoma that had spread to her bones AND her brain. I "met" her on Twitter, we all met her there, just after she'd come out of a coma (which we came to find out was part of the big, fat lie). We all felt SO terrible for her. She didn't seem to have many real life friends and we helped her get through her days going to the hospital and having chemo, the aftermath of the treatment, the memory loss and the list goes on...

Then, she meets a Dr who becomes her girlfriend. Great, we all think, well, I did, because she'll now have closer emotional support and has someone to stay with her, who actually knows how to deal with cancer patients.

She then told us she had seen a prominent Sydney neurosurgeon who could remove her brain tumor. The surgery would cost $30,000, which she'd made known, she was unable to afford and was subtly asking for the money. We felt for her, she was gravely ill.

We couldn't have been more wrong. The story unraveled last weekend and blew up over the following days.

EVERYTHING SHE'D TOLD US WAS A LIE. There was no coma, no cancer, no girlfriend- she actually pretended to be her, made up a new online profile and they had conversations.

She's not answered anyone's phone calls, texts or emails, her blogs are now password protected and she's been kicked off FaceBook because we reported her. Her silence speaks volumes.

I have to say, I started seeing red flags a few weeks ago. I couldn't understand how she was allowed to leave the hospital alone and drive after each chemo treatment. She kept telling us how her memory was shot, but she could drive herself from A to B, no problem. She told us she couldn't keep any food down, but seemed to not be losing weight (she's not a small framed person). She began meeting her cyber friends in real life and pictures were posted. She had all her hair, she seemed happy and healthy, not pale and sickly.

This was her undoing.

All she wanted was real friends. But these people are intelligent human beings. We started putting two and two together and came up with a SKANKY LYING CONNING BITCH who has disappeared because now she's scared and alone and is going to have to run away because now the police have been contacted and journalists know about her.

She made me feel betrayed and angry, not only at her, but at myself for being sucked in. You see, I've been conned before. A few years ago. Out of a lot of money, more than this con artist was looking for, and it's made me wary of people. Because she had cancer, I didn't want to be the one to raise the alarm, so I kept my mouth closed. I found out later, so did other people.

She's the classic con woman...has a sob story that's dragged out, then must come up with a sum of money that's out of her depth and subtly asks all her friends for it. Thankfully, the only cash she received was a few hundred dollars from someone, but it could have been thousands.

It just goes to show, be careful what you wish for, Janelle, you skanky, lying bitch.

*I've been asked to disclose her full name so everyone can know about her...Janelle Mclean (or that's what she told us, anyway). On Twitter, she was known as @akicktotheneck and @akickintolife.

**I also want to add this...Who pretends they have a terminal illness? Not a friend, that's for damn sure.

N x

Levels

I should have blogged yesterday, but, as you'll read in the following post, I've had a shitty couple of days because of a girl who is a fraud.

I'll tell you about her after, first, me...I had a blood test yesterday to check my progesterone levels. I asked the nurse what a good level would be. She said they look for levels over 30. I would find out when I called at 2.00pm.

All morning my mantra was "my progesterone is over 30".

My progesterone level, when I called is ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY. Yup. A lot higher than expected. This is AWESOME.

Next Wednesday is my pregnancy blood test.

this embryo is going to be my baby

this embryo is going to be my baby

this embryo is going to be my baby

I had a late night last night and am going to bed now. I'll post about the lying bitch tomorrow. I will. I promise. I'm also trying to get my head around what I want to say.

N x

Anyway...

My embryo transfer was yesterday afternoon. I'm taking it easy over the next couple of weeks...not going out drinking (not that I do a lot of that anyway), no yoga (my teacher wouldn't let me in the studio anyway), home made, warming food (which is pretty much how I eat anyway).

I'll meditate and repeat my affirmations in the mornings, when I'd usually be practicing yoga, and walk a lot with Ollie.

This embryo is going to be my baby

This embryo is going to be my baby

This embryo is going to be my baby

One Fertile Egg

Out of my three eggs that were harvested yesterday, one wasn't mature and one didn't fertilize, so I'm left with ONE egg. But that's all I need, right??? One fertile egg...

The transfer is tomorrow afternoon, provided my egg keeps dividing overnight, which it will, of course.

N x

Eggs Eggs Eggs Eggs

I now have no eggs...they were extracted this afternoon, 3.00 to be precise, under anesthetic (me, not the Doctor).

I went to yoga this morning and raced to get a coffee before my food/drink cut-off time of 7.30am. I actually made it through the day without being hungry at all. It was just long and I started running out of things to do because wherever I did want to go, it was next to food, and whilst I wasn't hungry, I certainly did not want to be put in the position of having to smell or see it!!!

The procedure takes about thirty minutes, but I had to stay for another 45 to recover from the anesthetic. My Mum picked me up and took me home.

Oh and I had THREE eggs!!! Now I can have another anxiety-filled 12 hours while I wait to hear how many fertilized...fingers crossed...ALL OF THEM.

N x

My Mantra For Today...

Egg collection is this afternoon

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

I have fertile eggs

An Anxiety-Filled Week

My egg collection (it sounds like I live on a farm) is on Wednesday afternoon. I had a blood test and ultrasound this morning. My estrogen levels are great and I have one big follicle and a couple of medium ones. The nurses said they could grow between now and when the eggs are harvested because I still had to inject myself tonight with hormones and follicle stimulant. I also have to wake up at 3am to inject the Ovidrel trigger shot because it has to be done exactly thirty six hours prior to my visit to the clinic.

I'm praying (in my own way) for numerous fertile eggs.

They take my eggs and inject ONE sperm into each of them.

I'm praying (in my own way) that they fertilize

Then, on Friday or Saturday, I'll go back and have one, or maybe two transferred back into my uterus.

I'll be doing more praying then too.

Gotta go to bed now because I have to be up in three hours!!!

N x

The Back-Up Plan

One of my girlfriends called me during the week to see whether I had plans for Saturday night because she wanted to see The Back-Up Plan, but only if I was available. Yes, I was, so she bought tickets online for four of us to go. You have to buy them online because queuing up on Saturday evening for movie tickets is neither fun nor necessary when they're available via your keyboard.

The theater was packed, probably due to the shitty weather. The movie started and within the first ten minutes, I had tears rolling down my face. I meant to bring makeup with me for when we went out after, but forgot...damn it. I cried a bit more, and there were scenes that were so ridiculous that we were cringing, but all in all, J Lo looked fantastic...I want all the shoes she was wearing and Alex O'Loughlin is H.O.T.

We walked out of the cinema and I ran into the nurse from the Fertility Clinic (who was going to see another movie). I'm taking that as a good omen for this week.

I suppose I should update you all on what's going on...I've been on Puregon since last week. When I say on, I mean injecting and have a blood test and ultrasound tomorrow morning, mainly to see when I'm going to be ready to have my eggs harvested. Probably Wednesday, which means Friday or Saturday will be the embryo transfer.

I could be pregnant this time next week.

N x

Round Three Take 2

The nurses at the clinic were correct (I know, right?) about me getting a period this week-ish. I was SURE it wasn't due for at least another ten days, but surprise, surprise, I got it last night.

Knowing how busy the Fertility Clinic is first thing in the morning, I headed there just after 8am for a blood test. It was lovely to see all the nurses so excited to see me there.

I had a blood test and an ultrasound. Most of the cysts had gone...I had a couple of small ones, but, gone enough to be told that it was pretty much a given that I'd start Puregon injections tonight or tomorrow night.

I called for the results at 2.15 and was told to start tonight. I have TWO alarms set for 10pm. I have to give them to myself at the same time every night.

N x

More Shittiness

Last week went neither quite as I had expected, nor as I'd planned. Not that I'd actually planned something special, but I had presumed I would be starting a new round of IVF and still be seeing the man.

How terribly wrong I was...

My estrogen levels, as I reported, were too high to start the drugs. As for The Man, well, he told me, after much deliberation and many sleepless nights, he's unable to be a part of my baby journey as my boyfriend, but *can* do it as my friend...emotionally. Without giving away too much of his privacy, he has kids and has therefore been through the pregnancy/baby thing, and *they* were his. Going through it, would mean living through me being pregnant with not-his-baby, but knowing I need his emotional support and this is what he can't deal with, especially as he'd only known me for a few weeks. Who knows where it would have headed? This is a rhetorical question...

I DO understand his reasoning, and I'm disappointed. He liked me. I know this because I've been told by more than one of our mutual girl friends, who also get what he's dealing with, seeing as they've known him longer than me, but agree when I've said I think he's putting the cart before the horse seeing as I'm not pregnant (yet). Nothing I can say is going to change his mind and only time will tell whether he and I can be more than friends. We've never actually been *just* friends!!!

Now I have to wait until my next period to start the next course of IVF. More fuckin' waiting and now, after being honest, I'm back in Singlesville.

N x

...Or Not

After yet another blood test yesterday morning, I was told my estrogen levels are still far too high to start injections. I have to go back to the clinic on Monday for yet another ultrasound...

Until then...I wait...again...WTF

Ready For Round Three

I got my period on Saturday and today, I re-entered the world of IVF. I walked into the familiarity of the Fertility Clinic, handed over my Medicare card, and found a seat in the waiting room, where I sat with single women, heterosexual and lesbian couples and waited for my turn on the blood test chair.

Then, as always, I was sent on my way...only to have to call for the results between 2.00 and 3.00pm. Well, at 12.30, I received a phone call from the head honcho nurse asking me to come back in because my estrogen levels were too high and they wanted to do an ultrasound. Sure, I'll be right there...thankfully I work five minutes from the clinic. Can you say CONVENIENT.

The ultrasound showed I have quite a few large follicles. This totally threw Nurse Caroline and called in another colleague, who looked at the screen and said "oooh."

This is synonymous with ovulation, not day three of a period. Everyone was perplexed, so I was sent on my way for the second time and asked to still call. Which I did and was told the Dr wants me back on Wednesday for another blood test.

Fine with me. Yesterday I asked for a sign. Is this it???

Hello May

This is how April went for me...

Over the Easter weekend, I met a guy who I actually like...FINALLY. We were introduced through friends, which is so much nicer than meeting a stranger on-line. He and I have SO many mutual friends, it's now like a running joke when one of us is introduced to the others friends, as to how long it takes before we find the six degrees. I've actually reconnected with friends from school, which has been a blast and I finally have some semblance of a social life!

The Fertility Clinic called me a week ago to let me know they're ready for me to start again whenever I'm ready. WOW, I've been waiting since September. I had to see the Doctor again to sign new paperwork. We talked about the Grazia article and what's going on with the new legislation surrounding IVF and donor sperm.

Guess what...I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO CANBERRA.

It actually worked out better for me that I didn't have sperm left over here, because it would have been sent to to the clinic in Canberra for storage. Had that happened, that's where I would have had to go for IVF. So...YAY, I can do it all in Sydney. I was also informed that they had sperm already here and if I liked any of those donor profiles, I could have one. YAY again...no waiting. I would have to call the clinic, which is in a different location to the Doctor's rooms, to make an appointment to see the nurse about the donor sperm.

I called, only to be told my prospective baby daddy was all sold out, but they were expecting another shipment the following week, which was last week. Like a pair of shoes, or a handbag that I HAD TO HAVE, I waited patiently through last weekend. By patiently, I actually mean, racked with guilt because, you see, although we've only been seeing one another for a couple of weeks, I felt the need to tell the new man. If this is going to be anything, I have to be honest from the get go.

I had been through the scenarios...

1. I don't tell him, I have IVF and I actually get pregnant. Now what? Do I pretend it's his?

2. I don't tell him, I have IVF and I don't get pregnant but still really want a baby.

3. I tell him, he's opposed to me having a baby with donor sperm and wants me to use his (in my dreams)

4. I tell him, he freaks out and doesn't know what to think

This is how it went down.

We sat down to dinner, I was so nervous because, obviously, I had no idea where it was going to go. However, I knew he wasn't going to get up and walk out, or go white and vomit!!! So I just launched into it...

Me: "I turned 41, was single and still hadn't had a baby and really wanted one. So, after some research and talking to my family, I decided to use donor sperm and be artificially inseminated."

Him: "I understand that. I can't imagine now not having kids"

Me: "This is not something I expected to say after ten days, but the clinic called me on Friday to let me know that I can start again. I've been waiting since September. Plus, I haven't been in a relationship for two years!"

We talked about it. I told him I didn't want him to think I'm trying to trap him, and if the Universe aligns, we end up together and I'm pregnant, I also don't expect anything but emotional support as I was doing it long before I met him and I didn't want him to think I'm out there looking for someone to pay for a baby he never asked for and wasn't his. He said he would be there for me no matter whether we end up together or not (where has this guy come from?????).

He then asked me what he should expect from me when I start taking the hormones. Dunno...really I don't. I was actually not terrible the last time, but I can't promise I wont be a bitch.

So, he never ran away, we had a fun dinner and didn't spend it all talking about IVF.

I knew this was going to resurface, just not sure when and where. No time like last night, sitting in a different restaurant having a conversation about stuff. He told me he's been struggling with the notion of me being pregnant and having a baby and he's not sure whether he can deal with it. It's a HUGE ask on my part, I realize this. I really do and completely understand where he's coming from.

Let me say also that it's not over. I asked him this morning to please not give up on this. He smiled and said he wasn't planning to.

So, here I am...in desperate need of a crystal ball, or a sign.

N x

Speed Dating

At 1.30pm, I was asking my friends on FaceBook what I should wear to a coffee date, and forty five minutes later, I let them all know that I was nearly home!!!

Wow, that was a doozy. I really have to filter the online dates more carefully...much.more.carefully. I had no plans, so when the guy, who I'll call Malcolm, suggested meeting for coffee, I figured, hey why not, plus I hadn't had a coffee yet and was in need of my one and only for the day.

As I've mentioned before, I don't travel for first dates. I'll go anywhere within walking distance from home. By anywhere, I mean anywhere of my choosing. My hood is not short on cafes, so I opted for one in a side street where I hoped I wouldn't run into anyone I knew.

I saw him waiting outside the cafe and wanted to keep walking, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said hello. Even though it was a weekend, afternoon thing, I still made an effort to look ok...put on makeup, jeans, nice top. Malcolm, on the other hand, hadn't bothered...or perhaps this was him trying to impress. Black, screen printed tee shirt, faded black shorts and thongs. Nothing a good shopping trip with me couldn't fix.

It went downhill from there though. Coffees were ordered and already I was looking for his personality. Maybe he was nervous. Thankfully my latte and his cappuccino arrived. He asked why I didn't drink coffee and was I a tea lady (TEA LADY???). Ummm, I'm DRINKING coffee...

Still looking for his personality.

Me: "What do you do for work?"

Malcolm: "When I work I do general administration, but my contract was up and I'm in between jobs"

Me: "Oh ok, so general admin involves what, like filing and answering phones?"

Mal: "Yes"

About now, five minutes after meeting him, I decided we had no chemistry, absolutely zilch in common and I needed to leave. My sister in law had sent me a text asking if I could pick up my niece in twenty minutes...a necessary white lie. Our coffees were finished and I asked for the check. To my horror surprise, he pulled out of his pocket a VELCRO WALLET. Like the ones school kids use, except he's 46 years old. It was so tattered it looked like he'd had it since school.

I didn't want to wait, so I went to the register where I was told our total was $7.00. I had my wallet in my hand and could see he wasn't going to offer to pay for me, so I handed over $4.00 and walked towards the door. We walked outside, where I said goodbye and headed, rather quickly, home.

That was ten minutes of my life I'm never going to get back...

This gets added to the "dates not worthy of the time to get ready" list.

Told You So...

In more than one previous post, I've mentioned that there are VERY FEW donors in Australian sperm banks and therefore even fewer choices in New South Wales and every time I do, I get shit for it. There are readers who think I'm exaggerating.

I've been called selfish, for wanting a baby without having a partner. Really???

I've been told I'm selfish because I'm using a donor from the US because the child will have a more difficult time locating his/her birth father at age 18. Really???

I've been told to suck it up and let it go. If I can't get pregnant the "natural" way, I'm obviously not meant to have a baby. Really and fuck off...

This article is in today's Daily Telegraph. It justifies what I've been saying all along about Australian sperm banks and the difficulty in doing IVF without a partner. Some of the comments made me want to reach into the screen and shake the posters.

I scanned it here too, in case you just wanted to read it without the comments...

The 7pm Project also did a segment on it tonight...

http://7pmproject.com.au/2689.htm

After reading a lot of the posts on the 7PM forum, and the article written in Grazia, I see now that a lot of people are ill-informed, or would just rather voice their opinion without actually knowing the facts. These mediums give some of the facts, but not all and many of us (not me) go by what we've heard/read only once without bothering to research further.

I've ranted enough now...but I can now say "I told you so".

N x

My Rebuttal

I received some slack over the Grazia story, so I've decided to post my rebuttal here, rather than individually...

Firstly, let me say that the original story was written just about me and my plight to get pregnant in Sydney, using donor sperm from the United States. I had breakfast with the journalist in NY...her asking me questions and a tape recorder taping us. I know she would have all the facts straight, but when it was sent to the magazine, they reworded it and also added another woman's story. In doing so, at least one of the most important facts, was omitted.

It doesn't matter how whether the donor has had zero pregnancies, or five, since January 1st 2010, the New South Wales Government has COMPLETELY banned the importation of donor sperm into the state. The closest "state" to me, is Canberra, as it's not part of NSW, and, the fertility clinic I am a patient of here, is affiliated with a clinic there.

I would like to point out that anyone who knows me, knows I'm far from "selfish"... in all aspects of my life. However, being called selfish because I want to do everything in my power to have a baby, is, probably correct. Deciding to get pregnant and have children is all about the parent(s) and not about the child. You have kids for you, not for them, so you have someone to love unconditionally and to (hopefully) love you the same way. Women want to experience pregnancy...this is not being selfish, it's just life. The same as some people want to ride a roller coaster, or scuba dive...for the experience...and after they've done it once and loved it, they want to do it again.

The fact that when I have my baby, he/she wont know the biological father, isn't selfish. The baby will grow up in a loving environment with a lot of male role models. Unfortunately there are enough kids around whose parents divorced and the father has disappeared from their lives altogether. I believe this is worse than never knowing. I have a girl friend who has three kids and her ex husband, who left when the youngest was only one, NEVER sees the kids.

I'm able to do a couple more rounds of IVF, one of which needs to be successful. You all know I'll post here when I start again, and until then, I'll keep you up to date with the rest of my life...

N x

March Update

I spoke to the Fertility Clinic today and I've moved up the list from number 25 to number 20. I was under the impression, well, they gave me the impression last year, that this going to Canberra thing and all that went with it, had been sorted out. Apparently, not so much...

My last conversation (last year) with one of the nurses was that I could use the same donor as I'd used the previous times and I wouldn't have to go through the process of choosing another baby daddy...which also involves having to have a Notary stamp and sign the forms. The last time I did it, it was a bit awkward because I had to explain what it was that needed his very expensive signature.

Apparently all the fertility clinics in New South Wales are in the same predicament, so there's no point in me looking to change Doctor/clinic. I was told I'm in the first batch and will be called, hopefully next week, with details of a new cryobank from which to choose a donor. Because of the new laws, the cryobank they were using doesn't meet the criteria. It is, oddly enough, a ok for the girls in the US, is one of the largest and regarded as one of the top sperm banks in the world...go figure.

I'll be going online in the not too distant future to internet "date" to look for an appropriate donor and I'll be going to Canberra for treatment.

And by the way, they didn't know about the Grazia story, so when I told the nurse, she promptly sent someone out to buy the mag...

N x

You Asked For It

Here's the Grazia article....

My Fifteen Minutes

The article is in THIS WEEK'S GRAZIA magazine. The one with Sandra Bullock (poor Sandra) on the cover. Page 40, in case you need help finding it.

The photo shoot was fun, and I was thankful that no one I knew was at the beach at the exact time we were there, because I was feeling VERY self conscious...wearing too much make up and posing are two things that don't come naturally to me.

Read, enjoy and let me know what you think...

Oh, and I apologize to my readers who live outside Australia and can't get Grazia. I'm going to scan the article and post it so no one misses out.

N x

NEXT...

I met a guy I've known for a very long time. Well, we met a long time ago, but haven't seen him in 20 something years. He's been emailing and texting me over the past few days, asking whether I wanted to meet for a drink or dinner. His initial email actually said, and I quote

"Are you available for coffee or a feed?"

Yes, this may be construed as a red flag, but in my eyes, this wasn't a date and I have no desire to take it any further than friendship (not sure about his modus operandi). In my reply I told him I'm not a farm animal, but would be willing to see him at the restaurant of my choosing. He apologized for his poor choice of words and agreed on the place and time

A wine bar has opened in the last couple of weeks up the road from me and I've been wanting to try it, so that's where we went. He was already there when I arrived (points for being on time) and was sitting at a table, which was good, because the place is tiny and there was not a spare seatto be had. He asked me if I'd choose a wine...I asked if red was ok, he said yes. As I was looking at the wine list, he mentioned that it would be better if I could choose a medium priced wine...fine...I'm not being judgmental.

Next we ordered a pizza. Good for sharing, especially for me and my germophobia. I have an issue when I share dishes with people, even good friends and they use their cutlery to dish out the food. To me it's the same as double dipping. So, pizza was a good choice. The waitress (am I still allowed to use this word?) came to the table with the wine and two glasses. He poured himself first...

Here's the next red flag...the pizza arrived and, guess what, he SERVED HIMSELF FIRST. Is it mean of me to find this very very wrong, whether it's a friend or something more???

I know a few of my friends have their own thoughts on me and my singleness. They think I'm too fussy and my standards are unreasonably high. Maybe they're right, but I don't want to be with a guy who has no manners...there's a list, but this is what I'm talking about right now.

Grazia

At 8am tomorrow my apartment is going to be buzzing with Grazia peeps. They are coming over to do my hair and makeup and then we're going somewhere (not telling), to take my pics for the article that's being written about me, this blog and my plight to have a baby...

I'll let you know how it went...

N x

New Yawk

I've been in New York since the beginning of the month (got back a couple of days ago)...catching up with my friends and reconnecting with my favorite city.

I had a fantastic time, and whilst it was a vacation, a lot of great things came out of it...

1. A girlfriend introduced to a journalist who lives in NYC, but writes for an Australian publication. My friend loves my blog and thought it would be great if more women in my position had access to it, so she got a group of us together in a dive bar on Superbowl Sunday, so we could meet over vodka tonics and wings and a lot of yelling. She read my blog the following day, sent my story to the powers that be and was given the OK to interview me.

I received a phone call yesterday from the mag here in Sydney, that they're ready to do my photos next week...how excitement...

2. I reconnected with a girlfriend who is one of the first people I met when I moved to Connecticut in 1999. We went our separate ways and lost touch about three years ago but lucky for me, she found me online around Christmas time. We got to hang out a lot while I was there and I now know I can count her as one of my friends again.

3. Which brings me to this...

I'm extremely fortunate to have SO many wonderful people in my life, all of whom (other than my family) I can call my friends. I was told a long time ago that you can really only count your true friends on one hand. These are the friends you can call on when you need a laugh, or a hug and they'll drop everything and come to you...or at the very least, stop multitasking and talk to you on the phone. I have friends like that. I think I have one US hand and one Australia hand.

4. There were a couple of dates, with a couple of different men, but they were towards the end of my vaca, so not much happened seeing as I was leaving and don't have a solid return plan as yet. I'm holding onto the notion that they were gentlemen and didn't want to start anything and fall in love with me and then not know when I'd be back...or something like that. As I said to one of my friends...it couldn't have been that neither liked me...what's not to like???

So, as I settle back into Sydney, life in NY goes on...I'm actually missing a huge snow storm tonight...I really AM missing it. I love the snow and NY in the snow is gorgeous.

N x

New Year's Resolution for 2011

I have one already...

Not inviting anyone I don't know that well to stay with me. I did it and have learned from my mistake...this is something that will only happen ONCE.

I'm not sure why my overseas guest thought it was ok to stay with me for twelve days, five of which were at our beach house up the coast and then leave with just a

"thank you for having me, had a great time, bye".

No thank you gift, not even a thanks-for-the-free-accommodation card.

Am I being harsh? I think not. It's not like my guest paid for the majority of our dining out, and we ate out every night except one, where I had friends over for a bbq. I can go on, but it will just make me mad again and I feel as though I've been taken advantage of.

I will also add this...the morning of departure, guest put the sheets in the washing machine. That.was.it. Then the cab came. WHOOPEE. I was left to dry the sheets, wash the towels, tidy up the rest of the bedroom and then there was the bathroom. This really skeeved me out. I walked into the bathroom to find toothpaste on the vanity and...ready...NAIL CLIPPINGS IN THE SINK. Like guest was staying in a hotel.

WTF. I mean, I generously opened my home and this is what I got in return.

So I apologize in advance to anyone who is planning on visiting me in the future. I will be doing some due diligence before I agree to having anyone stay.

N x

Mini Vacation

I seem to have had friends from NY staying with me off and on, since before Christmas.
First it was my girlfriend and her daughter, and now a guy friend from upstate NY.

He arrived last weekend and to break up his trip, I decided a couple of weeks ago, that we'd go up the coast...which is where I am now, no laptop, and I'm making myself blind with all my iPhone typing. I need glasses to read but I rarely have them when and where I AM. Like now, I'm laying in the shade on the beach and my glasses are nowhere nearby. So I'm typing and squinting.

I started acupuncture again last week in anticipation of my being able to get pregnant in the first part of this year. I'm going to call the clinic on Monday as sure everyone's finally back on deck at their respective jobs. I lovey acupuncturist...he's nurturing and doesn't hurt. I asked about herbs and he gave me something to take twice a day. They're crystals, not the awful dry stuff you have to boil up and drink that, no matter what it is, tastes like I would imagine old stinky socks, cat poo and mud would taste...and smell.
What my lovely acupuncturist offered, I take a spoonful and dissolve it on my tongue then drink lots of water.

Forgot to bring it with me to the beach, but it's not like I really need it here. My overseas visitor is JUST A FRIEND. There is absolutely no chemistry, much to a lot of my other friends dismay. So I'll begin my herb schedule next week, when I return.

Two and a half more weeks til New York.