YUM

I made kick-ass roasted butternut squash soup tonight. It's the first time I've ever made it!!! I roasted the squash first in the oven (obviously) with my new favorite ingredient....coconut oil.

Just wanted to share this news....

More about the last post

After some comments and re reading about my date, I need to reiterate a couple of points....

I'm not a stingy bitch - I DID offer to pay for dinner, but he wouldn't hear of it. I also offered to pay for gas (petrol) because the light was on when we drove into Manhattan, but he assured me we would make it. We did...

I was kidding about the earrings. I really did get them, but being pissed because he didn't notice, that part was a joke.

Anyway, he's away for the first part of this week, but we'll probably go out again. I'll give him a second chance!!!

Errrr....I forgot

my wallet....

I broke down yesterday and agreed to a date. After the awful dates of the past few weeks, I haven't been making myself very available. But, I had been emailing with a man (I think after a certain age they change from guy to man) and he asked me at noon yesterday whether I'd like to go out for dinner.

I agreed to go...what the hell...a girl's gotta eat.

Long story short, I made a rez for 8pm. He lives in the city and was driving up here. He arrived at my place at 8.20 after calling me for directions as he was getting off the highway.

"Don't you have a nav system in your car?"
"Yes, of course, but I never use it. That's why I'm calling you, so you can give me directions"

Don't understand the logic, but I talked him to my place where I was waiting outside.

This was a first date, and I'd decided to be open minded. We parked the car and were about to walk into the restaurant when he stopped and had a "look" on his face. I knew right away what he was going to say, but let him say it anyway.

"You're not going to believe this, but I've left my wallet at home. It's in my coat pocket. I'm SO sorry. I can't believe I did this. Do you want to go to NY for dinner?"

I could have offered to pay for dinner, but I held my tongue.

This could have been an out for me, but I said ok. Very unlike me, but I went anyway. Better than staying home.

We drove to his apartment building where I waited in the car while he ran up to retrieve his wallet. He then let me choose where we'd (finally) eat. I chose Blue Ribbon....in my opinion, the best sushi in Manhattan. We sat down, after waiting fifteen minutes and he says to me

"I can really only eat protein, I'm on the Atkins Diet"

Yay. I have to say, one of the first things I noticed about him was that he was quite overweight, but in my open mindedness, I let it go!!! The protein thing was actually fine with me, because I would rather eat sashimi than sushi.

I think I ate my weight in raw fish, but boy was it yummy. He then had to drive me back home AND drive back into the city...

He's a nice guy....man, but there were things that I can't get past.
Like teeth....I don't get why, in this day and age, people, especially those that can afford to, don't have lovely white teeth.
Then there was the name dropping. I have a friend who does it also and it drives me CRAZY. What does it prove? That you're friends with these people....big friggin deal. It's not something that turns me on....off more like it.

Well, on to the next one, I suppose. I DID get a pair of gorgeous earrings yesterday that were made for me. Not from my date, I'd chosen them when I was in LA a few weeks ago. A girl friend of mine designs a jewelry line called Julieri. It's beautiful and apart from the pieces I've bought over the years from her, I now have a gorgeous pair of rose gold brown diamond peace sign earrings.

They are way cool. My date didn't notice them though, so there was a test he failed!!! He passed the coming here for the date, and then taking me to Blue Ribbon, but he didn't notice my earrings. There's my out....

NEXT ; )

Now I know why

I don't eat peanut butter....It makes me break out. The girls at work eat it constantly on rice cakes (it's really yummy) and I jumped on the band wagon. Much to my demise, I woke up yesterday with 2 giant pimples.

Or maybe it's from the new Lindt chocolate I found - dark chocolate infused with chili. It's REALLY good.

Post Thanksgiving

Yesterday, for those who don't live in the USA, was Thanksgiving. One of my favorite holidays...you get to spend time with family and/or friends, eat LOTS of food and you don't have to buy gifts for everyone.

I went to a morning yoga class, then home for breakfast, picked up Ollie and met a friend and her dog to go for a hike. The weather was perfect. Back home to shower and off to friends for Thanksgiving dinner, which was really fun.

This morning I had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic for blood work and an ultrasound. I got my period yesterday after being on the Pill this month. You're not supposed to get cysts if you're on the Pill, but I apparently managed to. Then was told...in a phone message, that my FSH (estrogen) levels are too high - because of the cyst, and I can't go ahead with the IVF this month....g-d damn it. Now I have to wait until January...

I will say, though, I'm extremely lucky to be working with the nicest (for want of a better word) group of people. I really lucked out with this job. Everyone knows what I'm doing and are being incredibly supportive. Not that I would expect any less...it's just great to know they have my back.

Pondering....

I've been watching the Barbara Walter's special with Nancy and Thomas Beatie. He is pregnant AGAIN with his/her second baby. I'm having a real problem with this. Not because I don't think the couple should have children, but did they really HAVE to tell the world when he/she was pregnant last year? I'm also not jealous....
I just don't get why, why, why I'm fertilely challenged and a MAN can have a baby, or two.

Things to do on a rainy afternoon....

1. Eat.
2. Shop online for a baby daddy.
3. Eat.
4. Look at yoga schedule for tomorrow.
5. Procrastinate about taking dog for a walk, even though his legs are crossed.
6. Make phone calls.
7. Pay bills.
8. Ok, now I HAVE to take him out....

I know I said I'd tell you where I'm now working, but I've actually now got to get ready to go into work, so here is their website for you to look at and find the store nearest you so you too can be the coolest yogi/runner/athlete in town.

Oh and I heard from the Vet yesterday...Ollie's quarantine test results came back and everything is negative, which is great. I have to have him sign the certificate, but he's not in til Monday. A couple of days here or there is not going to make a difference.

Last Week...

I started training for my new job and the Dr started me on the pill to get ready for IVF.

I had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic on Monday because I got my period...blood test and ultrasound then had to go back on Friday morning for something called a Sono-Hysterogam (HSN) where I had yet another blood test and saline injected into my uterus. It was a great way to spend 30 minutes. I did, however, get the go ahead to start IVF and left with a large goodie bag full of medication. There are lots of things I have to take, and inject and none are covered by my insurance. One of the nurses has been hoarding a lot of them for me (which is something I'm grateful for), but there are as many again, that I have prescriptions for that need to be filled.

No dates this week, apart from a coffee meeting, but that was all it was and if it gets to a real date, as in dinner, I'll elaborate.

I will also fill you in on my job this week...promise.

History Made Tonight

Well....the US has a new President elect....

BARACK OBAMA

vote vote vote vote vote

Today, there's only one thing on the minds of every American...

"Who is going to be elected President tonight?"

As a Resident with a Green Card the US Government has no problem making me pay taxes, but I cannot vote. I HAVE made my choice heard though, not that it counts!!!

Changing the topic to something way more interesting....

In the last ten days I went on 4 dates.
The first was a dinner. The guy told a REALLY long, boring story and I pretended I was interested. He walked me to my car at the end of the night, I said thank you and good bye and held out my hand to shake his. We had no chemistry....NEXT

A couple of nights later, I met another guy for drinks and dinner. This looked more promising. He wasn't bad looking and it wasn't like pulling teeth to make conversation. Although, by the end of the meal, he started to get a bit touchy, feely....and then, thought he should kiss me when he said bye...I thought not.

He did call me the next day to ask me out for the following night, which I agreed to. I showed up at the time we'd discussed, and as I got out of my car, I could see him walking towards me. I knew then I would have preferred be home on the couch and that didn't want to be there (yeah, I'm fickle), but I figured I'd keep my thoughts to myself and maybe it would be ok. We sat down and he started to talk, no, bitch about his divorce and how the ex took him for everything he had. EVERY topic lead back to his divorce, it was making me crazy. This was a definite dating no no. I was happy when the check was paid and I could leave.

The following day, he sent me a text message asking whether I'd like to go out again!!! I decided I needed to email him.

"Hi xxxx,

Thank you again for last night. You're a great guy and will make someone very happy...one day, but you're not over your divorce and although you think you are ready for a relationship, you need to get past the bitterness of the divorce and your ex to be able to move forward.
I'm sure our paths will cross again and I wish you luck in your search for true happiness.

Nicky"

His response was that he believes he IS ready for a relationship and we just obviously aren't compatible. Ummm, ok, I'm sure talking about your divorce ad nauseum could be a turn on for someone...

The last was lunch on Sunday. This guy turned up in old ill fitting jeans, a sweatshirt and white tennis shoes....pahlease make an effort. Again, I knew this was going to be a very quick meal. There was NO chemistry, mainly because he had absolutely no personality. I was home within the hour!!!

My date filtering system must have been on the fritz last week. No more dating until it's fixed....

Importing Dogs to Oz

A couple of people have asked me about the Australian quarantine laws. These are, I think, the strictest in the World as there are many diseases the country does not have, nor do they want, like rabies. So Australia is pedantic about tests and timing for importing animals.

Depending what country you are bringing to animal from, depends on the quarantine period and what tests they need to have.

From the States, there's a six month period between when the tests are taken and when the animal is released. This can be all in Australia, but the dog has to stay actually IN quarantine, or like me, you can wait up to 5 months after having the blood drawn and then it's only 30 days.

Here's their website

Ok, I'm back

in the US and over my jet lag. I had a fun, relaxing time with my family and caught up with all my friends and now I'm back in the real world.

I flew from Sydney to LA, spent the day catching up with a girl friend and caught the red eye back to NY that night. I arrived home at 6.30am last Friday. Ollie couldn't be picked up before 9.30, so I had time to kill. I showered, unpacked (yup, even surprised myself), started doing laundry, took my car to be washed and did some grocery shopping on my way to get him.

Telling you he was happy to see me would be an understatement. He did not let me out of his sight for days and even now, he wants to go everywhere with me!!!

I've 95% decided that I'm going to move back to Australia. All the stars are pointing me in that direction. I wont bitch about being jobless anymore here, because the last time I did, even though this is MY blog and therefore is about ME and my feelings, certain people took offense to what I had posted.

Australia has a very strict quarantine policy....six months all up. Thankfully it can be five months here, in the US and then only 30 days there. I took Ollie to the vet a couple of days ago to have all the necessary blood tests. The results will be back in a couple of weeks and I can start counting down....YES Mum....I really did it.

It became a running joke while I was there....EVERYONE I ran into asked whether I was moving back. No, not whether, when. Some of these people I hadn't seen in years and at first I thought Mum had asked everyone to say something to me, or was paying them to...but she assured me she hadn't.

As for the pregnancy, or lack thereof...I took this month off seeing as I was away when I got my period and would have had to have been monitored by my gynecologist in Australia, then come back in the middle of my cycle. With the time differences, and having to take the medication whist traveling, IVF is too costly to play around with missing a day here or there. I'll look at starting with my next period.

It would be SO much less expensive if I could do it in Australia. Need a willing donor though. Here, I have my pick of donors....either from a sperm bank, or one of the guys who have so kindly offered, but nothing is covered by health insurance. There, eighty percent is covered, but there are no donors....ARGH.

The thought of flying one of the willing participants to Australia has crossed my mind. I will give this some more thought....

Now, I have to check on my friend who had lunch lipo...what great times we live in when you can go down two dress sizes in your lunchbreak....

Two boots...

Sorry I've been m.i.a....I had "one of those weeks".

Was "let go" from my job....for reasons I won't go into here, but it came out of left field and apparently they were 100% sure I was going to resign. Ummm, I'm more professional than that. I'd never resign the day before I was going away, but whatever, I can now spend time with my family without knowing I HAVE to be back at work.

As they say, "one door closes, another opens".....

On Wednesday, before I went to the airport, I saw my orthopedic surgeon. He took more x rays of my foot, which is still bruised and sore. He saw no fracture, but is sure I tore a ligament, so he switched out my Aircast for a boot. Really sexy and not the most comfortable for air travel!!!

Oh, and yet again, I have strep....grrrr. I'm already on antibiotics, so, hopefully, I'll be all better by tomorrow. Right now, I have no voice, so typing is really the only medium of communication for me!!!

I saw my gynecologist yesterday (I have doctors, dentists, acupuncturists, osteopaths etc here too). We discussed IVF and decided this was the next route. I am going to start it here, when I get my next period. He'll do all the preliminary stuff, like the blood test, ultra sound and put me on the pill, so that when I go back to the US, I'll be ready to start the injectables and won't have to skip another month.

We also talked about the pros and cons of doing it in Australia as opposed to the USA.

1. The out-of-pocket expense would be a lot less if I did it in Australia. The Medicare cap is $1000 and once you pay that, they pick up 80% of the remainder of the bill.

2. Can't buy sperm in Australia like you can in the US. They've just lifted the regulations on single and gay couples buying donor sperm, but demand far outweighs the supply. The wait is years, which I, unfortunately, do not have the luxury of.

3. It's illegal to bring donor sperm into Australia....ie, I can't have them ship it overnight to me here, nor can I bring it in my hand luggage.

"Do you have anything to declare?"

"Err, yes....this" *Holds up a cooler*

"And what might this be?"

"My baby daddy"

Don't know how well that would go down, but I would maybe make it onto the show "Boarder Patrol"!!!

4. I know both my fertility doctor in the States and in Sydney are incredibly competent, but the one here is world-renowned. Giving me is seal of approval, though, made me feel much better.

So, here I am...

I've seen my grandmother a few times, and we had dinner with her last night. At 98, she has her good days and not so good ones, but last night, she was in great form.

Honesty

My day off today was very productive.

I had a Dr appointment for blood and ultra sound first thing, then a hair appointment, went to see the boarding kennels where I'm thinking of boarding Ollie next time I go away, then to the vet to pick up more food so that I have enough for when I DO go away. I think Ollie will be ok at the kennel...I got a good feeling when I was there. AND the owner was the one who gave me the tour.

I'm going next week, to Australia, mainly to see my Grandmother, but also see my family and meet a new member of it.

Then there were the shitty things....the clinic called to tell me I have a couple of cysts and the Dr wants me to skip this month. These are the ones that are a product of the fertility drugs and disappear as fast as they appear....GRRRR

I'd emailed the guy I've been seeing to ask whether he'd commit to a movie night this week. When he didn't respond I sent him another email saying I'm confused because he said he could go out this week, but didn't say when. He replied with the "it's not you, it's me" email. We get on great, he really likes me, but he has too much anger still from his divorce and isn't ready for a relationship.....GREAT

Then there's the "out of left field" email I received from another guy. The one who I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. The one I said i should be with. I'm not going to go into it now, but it threw me for a loop. I forwarded it to a friend and all she could say was "wow". Until about six weeks ago, he and I communicated via email or IM nearly every day, then he just stopped and wouldn't tell me why, so while I was sitting at the hairdresser, I sent him an email, which I also won't divulge right now.

As they say, don't ask if you don't want to hear the answer. Well, today I asked twice and got two honest answers. I certainly can't fault anyone for that...

Patience is overrated

I'm beginning to feel like a broken record.
Got my period AGAIN.
Back to the Doctor in the morning...grrrrr

Oh, and by the way, my foot is fractured, not just sprained. Last week, I had the final appointment with the Orthopedic Doctor for my shoulder. He took one look at me and rolled his eyes...who the hell wouldn't!!!

Anyway, last week, I didn't know whether I was pregnant, so I didn't want him to x ray my shoulder and therefore, couldn't take more of my ankle either. He did, however, look at my foot and came to the conclusion that I'd most probably fractured one of the bones seeing as it was swollen, very bruised and I couldn't move my last three toes....I did hear something pop when my ankle twisted. He threw the Ace bandage in the trash and gave me an Aircast which gives me a lot more support. The crutches were still an option so I stay off it, but it's too difficult to use them...can't carry anything, can't multi task, can't figure out how to make them stand up against a wall without them crashing to the floor...you get the idea.

So much for going back to yoga!!!

Another Week

Another injury, or so it seems.

I was standing outside at 6 o'clock this morning trying to cajole Ollie into walking.
He was adamant that he DID NOT want to go.
I took his leash and started pulling him to the street because if he gets there, he'll walk (he's an odd doggy).
As I walked over the grass, there was a ditch, that obviously, I didn't notice, and twisted my ankle....

Shit it hurt. I figured I'd do my morning walk though and hobbled the next 4 miles....don't ask, I'm not sure either. Although, in my MBTs, it felt very secure. It was when I went home to change into my crocs to go to the dog park, that I realized just how much it hurt.

Still, I soldiered on and went to work...not only that...I DROVE to work, in my car, with a clutch. Now, that, was not an easy feat.

I limped around the store and finally decided to go to the ER after work, to have an xray. The hospital in the town where I live is more like a hotel!!! They have valet parking for the Emergency ward, personal TVs in all the rooms, it's clean (compared to every other ER I've ever been to, or heard about) and there are hardly any people IN the ER. There were only four people ahead of me.

One mother was on the phone to a friend explaining how her son had eaten a nut that evening and had blown up. He was highly allergic and his nanny had fed him a salad with nuts....but get this....the mother had bought the salad, left it in the fridge and went out. She tried to call the nanny, but her cell phone died....bad luck, huh? Luckily her son didn't. I don't quite understand why, if you have a child who is deathly allergic to something, why would you even bring it into your house?

Another couple was there with their nine year old son who had sliced his wrist with a new Swiss Army knife. She and I started talking about the US Open and her son kept joining in. He was very sweet and brave, seeing as he had a rather large, deep gash that he was dealing with. They were called, then I was, but I saw him again after I had my xray. He'd just seen the Doctor and had a bandage on his wound. Then as I was being wheeled out as I was leaving, he called to me to show me his stitches..he was very proud, and very sweet.

I now have an Ace bandage on my ankle and crutches. Was told to stay off my foot for at least four days.

Number 6

Tomorrow morning is "I" Day (again).

A couple of days ago, one of my friends told me she REALLY hopes this is it because it's getting boring. I know what she meant, but it got me thinking that, yup, maybe it is for everyone else. For me it's certainly trying and, while patience has NEVER been one of my virtues, this has been a huge test!!!

Obviously, someone didn't cross everything last time. C'mon everyone, I need a communal appendage crossing...

Rinse and Repeat

This is getting to be like Groundhog Day...

Fertility clinic
Blood test
Ultrasound
Wait for phone call with results

I went to yoga, took Ollie on a hike and did some grocery shopping. The Clinic finally called just after 4pm to tell me my FSH levels are elevated, but the Doctor doesn't think it's a problem and I can go ahead.

Tonight I shopped for another vial. The Cryobank has updated their website and I had to redo all my information. Kind of a pain, because all the profiles and searches I'd saved, weren't there and I had to basically start again.

Not all bad....I came across a donor I hadn't seen previously. He matched my requirements, so he's my next choice.

Insemination is after Labor Day.

boo (again)

I think I need to change something in my life. Not sure what, just yet, but something, and SOON.

I'm doing everything right, or so I believe, so what's the problem?

WHY can't I fall pregnant?

My Doctor is away this week, but I can go on Monday for my blood test and ultrasound as they have another radiologist in for the morning to cover for him.

I think I may broach this topic with "the guy" next time I see him...It'll be a spur of the moment decision.

Manscaping

Saturday night was date #5....yup, I'm still counting.

On Friday, this is what he had suggested...
We meet at the dog park after work on Saturday, then a movie and dinner.

So, on Saturday, I sent him a text message at 4.30 telling him I'd be leaving shortly and would be at the park not long after. I never got a reply, but went anyway so Ollie could have some play-time. Just as I was leaving the park, I received an apology text (he's not big on phone calls, yet), saying he was with his daughter. He had had to take her to have a manicure so he decided to have a pedi.

I responded with "You'd lost points for taking so long to reply to my text, but you just gained them back for the man pedi".

Fast forward to dinner after the movie. We were talking about his daughter's manicure and how long it had taken, blah blah, when he told me he had also had his back waxed for the first time EVER. His ex wife had never asked him to do it, so he hadn't ever bothered.

I'm not sure he's sold on this yet because yesterday when I asked him how it was he told me itchy and uncomfortable. I suggested next time he come with me to my wonderful esthetician.

All this work for date #5 and I never saw his toes nor his back!!!

Oops

That'll teach me. On Thursday night I was home watching the Olympics and kinda bored. I knew I had one pee stick test left and decided it needed to be used....WHAT WAS I THINKING???

It was positive...there was no "not" in front of "pregnant" and for about 10 minutes I was really excited. My brother just happened to call thirty seconds after I'd looked and, naturally, I told him and because I'd done that, I then had to tell my parents.

Well, in between hanging up from him and talking to Mum, I did some quick research and found out that all the hormones I shoot up can give a false positive result until they are out of my system which takes about ten days. This had only been four.

I called the clinic the following morning to ask about false positives and was reamed out by one of the nurses, who told me it was WAY to early to take any test and I should go shopping the next time that thought crosses my mind.....I suppose at pm that's what the Internet is good for.

Now I wait....AGAIN. This is going to be a long week.

Another SATC Moment

I went out with a guy about three years ago. We broke up and I moved on. Then last year he contacted me. He wanted to know whether I wanted to have a baby (at this point, I was not considering a sperm bank) because he did and decided I'd make a great Baby Mama. He, apparently, just figured I'd do it.

He spent months selling me on the idea and I'd finally thought of succumbing when, poof, he disappeared into thin air.

Then today, abracadabra, he reappeared, IMing me this afternoon...chatting like we'd spoken last week, asked whether I was seeing anyone and if I still wanted a baby.
I gave it to him....nicely, but told him I couldn't believe he thought he could show up again and take up where we left off....A YEAR AGO.

He told me he got back together with an ex girlfriend, but after six months, they decided it wasn't going to work, again. I told him about the whole fertility thing. He asked questions, but seemed to know quite a lot about it. He said he's dying for a baby and has been looking for a surrogate!!! He still wants me to have his baby, and was offering to come here so we could conceive it the natural way.
He was all flirty and trying very hard, but c'mon, who does he think he's talking to!!!

"I don't think so....I haven't seen you in three years and jumping into bed with you isn't something I want to do."

Then he offered to come to the Dr with me next time and just "donate" and the Dr could inseminate me like he's been doing. He also REALLY wants a baby, but I've said it more than once before, I do not want to be bound to anyone I'm not in a relationship with. I don't, I just don't.

August 11th

Today, I think, the Universe finally aligned...

I got the support of one of my guy friends (I'll elaborate in a sec) and I was inseminated. This vial FINALLY had really good motility....best yet.

I had one friend whom I only told two weeks ago about this. We talk every day, but I only saw him for the first time in 5 months, a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to explain it to him face to face. So I did and he went away to process it....not that it was at all about him, but he needed to do his due diligence.

We haven't seen one another again, of course, and, like me, he wanted to discuss it next time he saw me. WELL, on Friday, his Dad was rushed to the hospital and he caught a 2 hour flight to be with him. Over the following days, I heard from him a couple of times, but I'm still not sure what condition his Dad is in other than "not great".

This morning, he sent me a text message saying he understands why I want to do it and he was more focused on his issues with it than on my happiness. He was all about the legal aspect and whether there would be any repercussions with the donor. I've explained all the facts to him and forwarded websites so he can see for himself that it's all "kosher". I'm not sure what clicked with him and whether it had to do with his Dad being so gravely ill, but he finally gets it and it really means a lot to have the support of ALL my friends.

I need a collective finger, toe and eye crossing please.

Another question...

My friend Arianna had a date last week. It was a first date and after a couple of emails and a phone call, she had decided I would be a better match, for him than her. We concocted a story, as to why I just happened to be out alone, in a bar, on a school night...out alone any night is not something I would do!

So they went on their date, and I "crashed" it. Arianna invited me to stay and have a drink with them, so after saying no a couple of times, I agreed to "just one quick one". Already I knew her radar was malfunctioning. There was no way he was my type.

We were chatting and someone said something to make him laugh. I use that term loosely. It was more of a cackle....a REALLY EMBARRASSING noise, whatever it was. I cringed and was sure Arianna did also. I couldn't look at her!!!

I stayed about 15 minutes longer and left. When I was driving home a thought crossed my mind

What happens if my Baby Daddy has an embarrassing trait like that and it gets passed on? At least when you meet a guy, you know what you're up against....gene pool wise, but suddenly there are other questions I'm now asking myself.

I suppose I've either got to get over it or find another solution.

Ok, I'm over it......

next....

Here's a happier post than the previous one....

I called the fertility clinic on Friday, because, as you all know, I have to have a blood test and ultrasound on day one, two or three of my period. I needed to go that day in case they had to order injectables for me, seeing as it was Friday and all.

I went, they took, they looked, and then one of the nurses gave me the meds. She told me I'm one of the few patients whose insurance doesn't cover this, so she gave me what they had there....Gonal F, pretty much the same as Follistim.

I'm now on a higher dose and go back to the clinic on Friday...Off I go to inject myself

: (

My world is full of pregnant women and babies.

This is like a cruel joke.....

Etiquette

Ok, so I only received feedback from one of my girl friends regarding when I should tell a guy I'm dating. She thinks not til he shows some sort of commitment ie, says he loves me. While I don't totally agree with this, she's a very good friend and I will certainly take it under advisement.

I don't want any guy I date to think I'm deceiving him, or keeping secrets. But on the other hand, I don't want to tell someone too early so he freaks out thinking I'm looking for someone to step in as Daddy.

I'm sure Emily Post doesn't have a solution, so I kinda need some feedback please. Leave your comments below please.

Men, can't live without them....

On Monday, whilst spending most of the day horizontal, I made my plight known to lot more of my friends. I posted my story and blog address on a message board that I am a member of.

I was pleasantly surprised at the outpouring of support and since then, have had guys from there, offer their "services". Funnily enough, when I ask whether they are planning on Fedexing their sperm to me, they've all suggested it should be done au natural.

"So do you have unprotected sex with strangers, often?"

Has been a question I've asked more than once in the past few days.

"No, not at all, but I'd do it for you"

Is the answer I've been hearing...

Also, I'm still dating, not because I'm looking for a sugar daddy, I just figure, why stop. It's certainly not a secret and if and when I meet someone, I would hope they will understand my case for doing this and still want to be with me.

It's not a topic I would broach on a first date, obviously, but after going on a date on Tuesday night and praying he didn't ask what I did on my day off (the day before), I'm wondering what number date it should be. Or not at all until I know if I'm pregnant......

Whoo hoo

I got my Fit Flops. They're silver and very shiny. I think I might wear them like house slippers just so I get the full benefits.

As I said in my last post, I had today off work and was planning on going into the city to do some much needed shopping and catch up with a girl friend. That all fell through...she called to say she couldn't meet me today and the weather people kept saying we were going to have a terrible storm, another terrible storm, like we haven't had enough, with hail and stuff which didn't thrill me. Oh well, there's always next week.

Don't be sad, though, I told you I had a plan B. I still went shopping to the only store I really shop in in CT. I really wanted a pair of shorts. Anything else was going to be a bonus. I found a few things to try on...a couple of dresses, tops and a pair of denim shorts. One top looked ok, but I wasn't besotted by it and I don't need anything taking up space in my wardrobe if I don't love it. I did love the shorts though, dark denim, can be casual or dressy and are the perfect length. They were EXACTLY what I needed and they fit...no sticky-outtie side pockets like all the ones I own. These will be my summer staple bottoms.

Can I wear my new shorts with my Fit Flops on my date tomorrow night? I just have to figure out what top to wear (I have a couple I'm considering).

Sunday

I don't find out until some time towards the end of this week whether I'm pregnant. My friends keep asking if I feel pregnant. I feel no different to how I've always felt. How am I supposed to feel? I know the "symptoms", but I have none of them at the moment...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT FEELING PREGNANT FEELS LIKE.

The fertility drugs have given my body a brand new shape, kind of pear-ish. It doesn't matter how much yoga I've been doing or how far I've been walking in my MBTs my hips, butt and thighs just keep expanding. I now have front fat, back fat and a muffin top. The months of no exercise after my shoulder injury, I'm sure made my metabolism slow down, so the timing of all of this was not optimal but I do realize that it's all for a good cause and if all goes to plan, I'll be much bigger and promise not to complain about my weight. This is not boding well for my summer wardrobe though. Thankfully dresses and flowy tops are still in fashion, but none of my shorts from last year fit me...oh well, it's good I love shopping. I think I might go tomorrow. I was planning on going into NY, but I just watched the news and it's going to pour all day...grrrr. I do have a back up plan and will enforce it if need be.

My other news is that I have a date on Tuesday night. There's a story behind this (of course), but I'm not going to tell it until after the date....sorry, you'll just have to be patient.

N x

Monday July 21st

I'm typing this upside down. Having just returned from being inseminated at the Fertility Clinic, I am now lying on my bed with my legs up the wall.

Everything went "swimmingly" and the Doctor said it was my easiest one so far.

Cross your fingers and toes...

Oops

I forgot to post this....

I heard from the clinic on Friday afternoon. My hormone levels are great, had to have one more Follistim shot last night, Ovidrel tonight, insemination Monday morning.

Finally, the stars are aligning...Monday's my day off, so I have my romantic encounter with the super sperm, then I can go home and lie horizontal.

More on Monday

Damn, Damn, Damn

I looked at my list last weekend, the one with my 100 perfect-man traits. It needed some minor tweaking and now I'm happy with it.

So, on Wednesday night I went out with a couple of girlfriends. I'd been home all week due to me having to inject myself at 8pm every evening, so I decided I needed some socializing. Sitting at the bar was a guy, whom for all intensive purposes, was MY perfect man...according to my list. I could check off many many pluses. It was too good to be true.

We talked, we laughed, we had a couple of glasses of wine (c'mon, I don't drink every night and this will hopefully be my last week TO drink for a while), then, just when I started to think he was a nice guy, he turned out to be slimy, for want of a better word. When I got up to leave and said thank you and goodbye, he offered to walk me to my car (what a gentleman).

He then offered to follow me home to "make sure I made it home safely"

"I think I'll be just fine thanks, I really only have a five minute drive"

I'm sure some of you are thinking "perfect Baby Daddy material", because it certainly crossed my mind, but in order for this to happen, I'd have to have unprotected sex with a complete stranger and this is not something I'm prepared to do.

THEN, he tried to make out with me!!! WTF

There were at least four other girls at the bar who probably wouldn't have said no to his romantic proposition, but he picked the wrong one. Sucka please...

Funny thing was, I asked him what my name was and he couldn't tell me. I don't get it, this is coming from a very successful, good looking man who is in his mid 40's. Nothing about him screamed inappropriate, or lacking in social skills, but apparently they were there, well hidden.

The Universe was SO close, so very very close.

Super Sperm Update

July 17, 2008

The boys arrived safe and sound this morning.

They're resting comfortable at the clinic.

Decision Made

After speaking with the Consultative Services Manager at the Cryobank this afternoon, I made a decision on Baby Daddy # 2 (which hopefully will be #1).

They're very thorough and she told me the donor numbers in order of facial likeness to my chosen celebrity. I was also told their face shape (most had oval), the shape of their nose and whether it was in proportion to their face, eyebrows (they all had them), eye color, hair color and texture, chin shape (aka jaw line), and any redeeming facial features ie, dimples.

They also rate the donors from 1 - 10, 10 being the best, for similarities to the submitted photo, and attractiveness, or what the panel of judges deems attractive. Five out of 6 that I chose were 7 or 7.5 in likeness and the same in attractiveness. I was told the most they'd ever "awarded" for gorgeousness (my word, not hers), was 8.5. According to the panel, none of my prospective Daddies were THAT good looking.

I told her I'd look over the notes I'd just taken and call back in an hour or so. I HAD to make a decision today to have them ship it first thing in the morning so it's here for Thursday. I'm not being inseminated until Saturday, at the earliest, but the clinic wanted to be sure to get it in time.

There was something I didn't love about the top three contestants, so I went back to the search page. There, I found a donor I'd looked at last week and forgotten to add to my list. He didn't go through the second round of the competition, but I decided I liked him "sight unseen". My Baby Daddy's Super Sperm will be here on Thursday morning.

Also, I found out there's a form my Doctor can fill in regarding the low motility count from the last batch. I bought four vials and all of them have a lower than guaranteed motility count. I will probably be credited for them..as I should be.

Monday

Yesterday evening I started the injectibles. I was more nervous putting everything together, than actually sticking the needle in! For the next four nights at 8pm, I have to do the same thing. It takes all of 3 minutes. I'm also having acupuncture on Thursday after work.

Every morning, or most anyway, the same people are at the dog park. For the most part, we all know what's going on in each other's worlds. I, however, hadn't told anyone about this. Not for any reason in particular, just because I haven't. One of the girls, let's call her Arianna, and I are the only ones who are single, and we've become friends outside the "dog circle." We'd been talking lately about acupuncture. She goes somewhere local and I've been looking since I came back from Sydney, to start going to someone here, especially since I was starting injectibles. We were talking about it on Friday morning and one of the women said

"I'm an acupuncturist. I have a wellness center"

"Oh REALLY?"

And the questions followed.

I took her phone number, thankfully and called her on Friday after my scramble to get to the Fertility clinic. She'd gone for the day, so I left a message. I missed her call on Saturday because I was at the hairdresser, but saw her on Sunday at the park. I told her what I'm doing and she is more than happy to help me in any way she can. She told me she works a lot with the IVF Clinic in town, so she's had lots of experience with women and fertility issues. I'll tell you all about it on Thursday after I've been.

Arianna and I went out on Saturday night for drinks and a bite to eat. I told her over a glass of wine. I figure, it's certainly not a secret, the more people who know, the more support I have AND eventually I'm going to be pregnant and wont be able to hide that!!!

My week in a nutshell

Wow this week flew by. I'm not sure where it went, but this is what's been going on in my world...

On Tuesday, I had my blood test and ultrasound so they could determine what day I'd be ovulating (this blog is about me getting pregnant, remember?) I was told to take, or more rightly, inject myself with Ovidrel that night and to come back on Thursday morning to be inseminated.

So I did, and I was and now I wait two weeks. I know I have to be optimistic, and I am, for the most part, but when people say, third time lucky, or this will be the one...they don't know that. I realize they're just trying to be positive, and I'm thankful for that, but it's going to happen when it happens and I can't get my hopes up, or get really excited until I see a positive pregnancy test. Hence the posts about anything BUT me getting pregnant! Every month is the same as the previous one, so I figured you wanted to read more exciting stuff so you'd stick around.

That night I cooked myself dinner and burned my wrist (did quite a good job actually) and I wasn't even cooking meat. I was steaming broccoli and when it was done, I took the pan to the sink to drain out the water. The lid moved and I burned my wrist on the steam....OUCH. anyone who has seen it has cringed!
Rock on aloe vera gel.....it's my best friend right now.

Last Saturday night I went to see SATC with a couple of girl friends. As predictable as it was, I still liked it. Who wouldn't be in awe of the wardrobe changes, I mean, wow. Since seeing it, I've been noticing all the small groups of women out and about and it got me wondering what sort of friendships they have. My friends and I can say anything to one another, and we do. Hell, if your friends can't take constructive criticism or honesty, or talking about, well, anything and everything, then they're acquaintances and you need real friends.

While this is a platform for me being able to blurt out my thoughts and getting pregnant - which, in itself is usually private, there are certain aspects that only my closest friends and family are privy to, such as:

which donor I chose,
which Fit Flops I pre ordered

speaking of which....I got my MBTs on Wednesday and as soon as I went home, I put them on and dragged Ollie for a walk. It's been really hot and he apart from our morning walk and visit to the park to play with his friends, he really doesn't like going out. They are weird to walk in, but after you get the hang of it, they're quite comfortable. I took him again on Thursday morning, but my butt hasn't reduced in size yet. May need a couple more days!!!

Now it's Friday night and I have to work tomorrow, so it's off to bed for moi. Keep rooting for me, but please don't get all Hallmarky, just stay real ....

Saturday

My hormone levels are normal which means I can start Follistim tomorrow night. I have to inject myself once a day (in the evening) for five days, and give myself one shot of Ovidrel, then on Friday, I will be inseminated with my celebrity-resembling Super Sperm.

NO, I'm not telling who it is...stop asking....

TGI Friday

There I was talking to a customer today when euch, I got my period...A WEEK EARLY and wearing white shorts, nonetheless. That was awesome, as you can imagine!!!

I had to change gears (and gear) so as soon as the customer left, I called the fertility clinic to see if they could fit me in this afternoon. It was noon but being Friday, I HAD to go there today. They could see me at 3pm. Great.

I dashed home to change my outfit, then to the Doctor. Thankfully this is all five minutes from work .

Blood test, check, ultrasound, check, watch video on how to inject myself with Follistim, then go through it with the nurse, err, check. It didn't seem too terrible and I've spoken to girls who've done it and said it's easy. I have to wait for a phone call tomorrow with my blood results and if my hormone levels are ok, I can start on Sunday. That means insemination would be Friday and I STILL haven't made a decision on a new Baby Daddy...ARGH.

This is what I've decided to do this time. I'm having the sperm bank help me choose. They offer a service where you send them you top 1 - 6 or 7 - 12 prospective donors, and a photo of your dream Daddy. For couples who are using the sperm bank, they would submit a photograph of the husband. A counselor compares the donor numbers to the photo and rates them for facial characteristics. When I spoke with one of the counselors yesterday, she told me they receive lots of Brad Pitt and George Clooney photos!!!

One of my girlfriends offered to dress up like a man, take a photo and submit it.

*Skip to two hours later....

Ok, I submitted a celebrity pic. I have a friend who lives in California whose photo I would have loved to have used, but after me subtly asking, and him not sending, and now having to hurry, I found three male celebrities who he kind of looks like. I then narrowed it down to one, filled out the form and as I was about to hit "checkout" (yes, it really says that), I changed my mind on the guy. Also being an A Lister, I was able to find the perfect photo of him, download it and emailed my order. I called the sperm bank to make sure it was received. The woman who answered the phone, told me he's someone she would have chosen.

Yup, I'm sure she says that to everyone.....

I'm in love...

No, I think it's just lust at the moment. It's not a guy, don't worry you haven't missed anything...shoes, I'm talking about shoes. These aren't even gorgeous, incredibly expensive, wish they were a teensy bit more comfortable, gotta have these shoes either. They're practical and functional...sneakers and flip flops.

Last week, after leaving my sneakers outside, overnight in a downpour (no one said anything about rain), then being unable to walk in the morning as I only have one pair and the fact they now, even after they've dried completely, smell faintly moldy, I decided I need a new pair. I remembered one of my friends telling me about a pair that she bought right before she got pregnant...NO that's not why I'm buying them and saying while they weren't stylish by any stretch of the imagination, they're comfortable and they help tone your legs and butt. Now, who wouldn't jump at that? So, I started researching them. They're called MBTs. I don't usually like to tell people what I buy until I've worn it enough that it doesn't matter. I do realize there is more than one produced of each article of clothing I buy, but I like to be a bit unique.

I found the one pair I liked. By liked, I mean could wear in public. Wait til you see them, they look like clunky, orthopedic nurse shoes. So I started looking online where I could buy them. I'm all about instant gratification and I could NOT find these damn shoes anywhere. I looked at one of the department store websites...they were there, but the size wasn't and the next shipment isn't until the beginning of September...get out, I want them now. Ooooh, they have live chat on their site, and they were extremely helpful. I was given the locations and phone numbers of their closest stores, who seemed to have my shoes. After two unsuccessful attempts...jackpot...third time lucky, as they say. Now, these are not inexpensive shoes, but I figure if they do what their supposed it, they'll be worth it.

Then, I heard about another pair of shoes that work on the same concept, but these are perfect for summertime. These, I subsequently found out, were on Oprah not long ago and are now THE shoe to have...Fit Flops. This fact alone would normally have put me off buying them altogether, but they are just flip flops at the end of the day. They're definitely not something I'd wear on a date, but I work on a concrete floor and I think I'll be able to wear them all day without pain. Then I had to search out the ones I wanted, which, of course, aren't being shipped until the end of this month, but I figure it's only 3 weeks away and I love having things delivered!!!

I've never seen anyone wearing Fit Flops. I suppose I'd never taken any notice because the next day, three women came in to the store wearing them...all at different times. It was so funny. We got to hear whether they're worth the investment first-hand. Yes, the unanimous response was definitely yes. These, whist not quite as inexpensive as Havianas, or Crocs (love them for dog walking or after yoga), are better for your posture and mold themselves to your foot....no sharing Fit Flops.

Now I wait patiently for my MBTs which should be here tomorrow...they BETTER be...patience is not one of my attributes.

Sidebar #1: there's another word to add the post below...mold/mould

Sidebar #2: I just got off the phone with the friend I mentioned above. She was extolling the virtues of her MBTs. She told me I had made a wise decision...yay me.

You've got it, now please use it...

I'm a stickler for good spelling and grammar. I'm all for using slang words or abbreviations, but spelling errors in this, the age of "spell check", are unacceptable in my book. I realize there are a few times where words get missed or are spelled differently depending whether you live in a metric or imperial country. Americans spell words differently to Australians and Europeans and that's just the way it is...they don't like to use the letter "u" as often as other countries (honor/honour, neighbor/neighbour). There are many other spelling variations, but you get my drift.

So when I read emails, the first thing that jumps out at me is a typo. I've told you I have my profile on a dating site and every now and again, when I'm home with nothing else to do, I look at men's profiles. I am floored by the horrible spelling and poor grammar and this is from guys who say they are professional business men...c'mon. And if I receive an email from one of these lazy spellers...DELETE. Like I said, a word here or there isn't a deal breaker. Here's one I hadn't deleted...when you read this, you'll understand...

your mom wood approve I'M A DOCTORRRRRRRRR!
YOur looks knock me out!!! I luv european women? check me out

Yeah, ummm, no thanks. I think I'll pass...oh and he has a mustache (what guy could possibly think growing just a mo is sexy?)

I've even received resumes with spelling mistakes....not just two letters typed the wrong way around, but proper errors that spending another 3 minutes spell checking could make the difference of a job or not. Are people really just lazy. We have computers, so there's no need to white out mistakes, or re-write a page of notes, you just hit the delete key and begin again and when you're finished, all that needs to be done is to SPELL CHECK it.

I think I'm rambling a bit today. I had absolutely NO sleep last night. It's 95 degrees here and we had a terrible storm yesterday afternoon. Lightening hit a rather large tree which in turn fell and took the power lines with it. At 5pm the power to the neighborhood (I live in the US, so I can spell it like that) was cut and it wasn't put back on until 10am. Needless to say, without air conditioning, neither Ollie nor myself could sleep. He was panting so much I thought he was going to have a stroke. Finally at 4.50 this morning, I got up, put him in the car and went to the store where I knew he would cool down on the concrete floor and I could recharge my Blackberry, and cool down a bit also.

Now Ollie's fast asleep in my bedroom (where the ac is) and I am going out to run some Monday errands, but not before I spell check this.....

Sunday

Not so sure about naming your baby after one of the days of the week. Sunny is cute as a name and I get that Sunday is MUCH more sophisticated, but it's a day of the week and not even the one she was born on. It is the only one that's a suitable name though. I couldn't imagine a baby being called Thursday, or Saturday, or any of the other four days, although Wednesday Adams was a dark and mysterious child!

I do congratulate Nicole and Keith. I know this has been a long time coming.

I'm still shopping the sperm bank. I've narrowed my choices down to five....that's from eleven!!! I have one more week to make my final choice. This is not like buying a new pair of jeans or shoes online. I can't send it back if it doesn't.

Oh, and I heard from my ex neighbor again. He called to say hi and tried to tell me he was only kidding when he offered. I shot him down and told him that was bullshit...to which he laughed and asked if I was famous.

Huh?

"Well, my wife and I have a deal that we can sleep with someone else as long as they are famous. So, if you can get yourself into a magazine, you'll be famous and I can help you."

"Hmmm, firstly you might want to ask your wife whether getting the said famous person pregnant, is part of the deal and second, did you not read my texts to you last week about NOT WANTING TO KNOW the Baby Daddy if I'm not in a relationship with him???"

"I'll be in your hood tomorrow or the next day, so I'll call you and pop into the store so we can discuss it further"

Yay...I'm not even being subtle about saying NO, I told him straight out and he's STILL trying to sell me on the idea!!!

Discrimination

I dropped my prescriptions at the pharmacy for on Monday and picked them up yesterday because I didn't have to start the Clomid until tonight. I couldn't believe it when i went to pay...My lovely insurance company is no longer covering any of the fertility drugs for me because I'm OVER 40. I have no idea why they covered the last 2 cycles...I turned 41 in February, but the Ovidrel went from $30 to $102. I called the insurance company this morning to inquire as to their reasoning. The woman couldn't give me a real one except to say:

"We only cover to 40"
"Ok, so you'll cover me when I GET pregnant, but you won't cover me TO GET pregnant?"
"That's right."

Am I missing something? Isn't this discrimination? Who makes up the rule that after 40 you shouldn't be able to get pregnant any other way than au naturel? A man, I'll bet. I don't get it...why am I any different now than I was 6 months ago?

I was telling this to a girl friend this morning. She lives in Sydney and we chat via BlackBerry Messenger in the mornings when I'm walking Ollie and she's going to bed, and in the evenings when I'm cooking dinner and she's going to work. I was telling her about the health insurance thing and we agreed that this past month had seemed to go very slowly, waiting for my period, and how she feels somehow she's in this together with me, which was very sweet. Then the next message I get, which is SO like her, just to go off on a tangent in the middle of an in depth conversation (it's one of her redeeming qualities) is

"The new elephant at the zoo is pregnant"

"Gee thanks"

While I don't wish to be pregnant for twenty two months, the lack of shopping would start to wear on me I think, I'd really love to join the elephant in the experience.

Not sure how I'd cope with this

This kinda freaked me out and is another reason I was dubious about the sperm bank thing...

Update

My ex neighbor is STILL gung ho about being my Baby Daddy. The text messages were not few and far between yesterday.

He was going to be in town.

He was going to pop in and say hi.

He was sorry if he offended me and wanted to know what he could do to make it up to me...this came after a couple of hours because I never responded to the first two.

I told him I wasn't offended I just don't understand how he can offer this, being married and all.

His response was that he's a friend and he wants me to have a baby.

Still not sold on this.

Now, here's the doozy.....His next message asked me whether we need lawyers.

NO NO NO. This is the exact reason I do not want to do this...well, one of two. I told him I don't want to be tied to anyone I'm not in a relationship with because I don't want him to have a say in what I do, or suddenly decide he wants joint custody some time in the future. No Siree. That's why I'm shopping for my Baby Daddy online.

The last text from him was that he'd like to discuss this later. He was probably home by this time with his WIFE and baby.

Wednesday July 2nd

Just to keep you all in the loop, my date last week was blah. He was a "nice" guy, but there was no chemistry and he lost me at...

"A good sense of humor seems very important to you."

Isn't it on everyone's list? Am I being too specific? I think not. Anyway, after he kept emailing me, asking if I wanted to get together again, I was honest with him and said I like him as a person, but felt no chemistry. He said he didn't either....whatever.

I was in NY on Monday, and went to the farmers market in Union Square. Nothing rivals it, in my opinion....eventhough most of the space has been dug up, not sure what's being done, and all the vendors are squished into a much smaller space. I had to make two trips to my car to unload my purchases...brocolli, beets, garlic, bread, salad mix, cherries, blueberries, and on and on....everything's there, and just been picked.

I'd decided to look at the meat, it's less embarassing talking to the market people about cuts of lamb or cow and what to do with them, than in a big store where I have to yell over the counter. A girl came up behind me, said hi, with an Australian accent, to the stall owner and asked about chickens, or eggs, not sure which came first (had to put that in). Then she realized I was there before her and apologized for cutting in. I said it's fine and she should go ahead and yes I'm also Australian. We started with the obligitory "where are you from?" questions. It turned out we'd both had businesses in the same suburb in Sydney at the same time. I used to eat in her cafe and she shopped in my boutique (this was at least 10 years ago, mind you).

Yet another small world story.

what now...

Today started out great. I took Ollie for a walk, in my MBT's, then to the park, also in my MBT's. Work, where I wore my Fit Flops, was busy and then I had my appointment at the Fertility Clinic. This is where my day took a dive.

I had my blood test and the nurse told me the Doctor wanted to talk to me about options. Then I'd have my ultra sound and she was going to give me a class on using the injectables if I agreed this was the next step.

The Dr first asked me how I was feeling about all of this, "anxious and unsure why I'm not pregnant", then we talked about the donor sperm. He said he didn't think the count was high enough. I was kind of surprised because I figured the sperm bank wouldn't use sperm with a low count. He explained to me that the actual count was normal, but the moving sperm count was lower than normal. This did not make me any less shocked (note to self...I need to call the sperm bank and ask about this). I'd actually made the decision a couple of days ago to look for a new baby daddy, and this cemented it.

Then we talked about what's next. He said after three unsuccessful attempts using Clomid, because of my age, I should consider a more aggressive approach. He suggested injectables and then, if by some bad luck (not his words), this didn't work after a couple of cycles, I should then have IVF. I'd be able to tell you all about injectables, if I'd learned about them today, but I can't because I didn't.

Cue the ultrasound...the Doctor, nurse and I were talking during my ultrasound about looking for a new donor and having the sperm sent over. The Dr kept clicking on new screens and measuring something, then as he finished, said to me "unfortunately you're not going to be able to start anything today, you have a 3cm cyst on your ovary. It's a product of the Clomid and will go away on it's own this month, but we can't do anything while it's there."

#$%^*

I'd got my head around the fact that I was going to have to inject myself twice a day and now I have to lay low for the month. The Dr didn't seem to be worried though. Now the Clinic has time to try to get my health insurance company to pay for the injectables...it's apparently CT mandated that they stop paying for fertility treatments after the age of 40.

I know I've talked about this before and even my Doctor thinks it's ludicrous. Who decided that at 40+ a woman can't have "help" getting pregnant, this is the age it's REALLY needed. The insurance companies will pay when you get pregnant though, go friggin' figure. Why is CT different to any other state, NY is 44 years and NJ is 46 years old.

I really need to look into this, saying it's highly unfair is an understatement. I now have a couple of weeks to shop for another baby daddy and I think I might start now...I need SUPER SPERM

What's wrong with this picture...

Yesterday in the late morning, I received a text message from a guy I lived next door to in NY. Not in the apartment next door, in the building next door...we shared the laundry, us and the rest of the tenants in both buildings. He was coming to town and was I going to be at work because "they" would come and visit. By they, I presumed he meant him, his wife and their 18 month old daughter.

I used to see him outside on the street when I took Ollie out. He also has a dog, a silky terrier, so we'd walk the dogs down the street, or hang outside the buildings with the other dog owners. Not once did he ever mention a wife, girlfriend or partner. For the longest time (like 8 months) I thought he was gay...nothing wrong with it, just thought he was. Until one day I ran into him and his pregnant wife at the grocery store. He introduced us and I had to act like I wasn't shocked.

He walked into the store with his daughter and the nanny. We chatted for a while, he shopped (I don't let many people leave without making a purchase!), the baby ran around and the nanny talked very loudly in Spanish on her cell phone. He asked what's new and I told him I was trying to get pregnant. I have absolutely no idea what made me say it, and it's certainly not a secret.

I think I like the shock value...

The first thing out of his mouth..."I can help"

I laughed it off thinking he was joking. I mean he's married with a child, who does that? He let the nanny and baby walk out first and as he closed the door, he said "I'm serious". NO NO NO NO NO NO

An hour later, another text "ps, I'm clean".

This was getting creepy and I wasn't sure how to respond.

Then, later that evening "no response, I'm hurt".

I figured I had to say something, I mean, he HAD offered to have sex with me!!! So I replied with
"Sorry, I'm at a loss for words actually".

"These things happen"...what the fuck does that mean (oooh my first swear word here)? And then
"so, dinner next week?" I have yet to answer that gem.

So far my ex husband, an ex boyfriend, the husband of a friend of mine - she told me over lunch one day that she had told him what I was doing. He told her he'd give me his sperm. Her response, after she had composed herself, was that it was the funniest thing he'd ever said. Every time I think about it I laugh - and now this guy have all offered to donate to my cause and funnily enough, I don't want any of them to be my baby daddy (well, maybe one).

I do need to talk to him though, if for no other reason than to see what's going on with his marriage. I'm kinda nosy aren't I...

Doctor tomorrow. Apart from the blood test and ultra sound, he wants to talk to me about what my options are. I think he wants to be a bit more aggressive with the drugs and start injectables, which does not sound pleasant. I don't know much about it at the moment, so I'm not going to pretend, but I have a half an hour class on it while I'm there and will be able to fill you in when I get home tomorrow evening.

Til then...

So much for sayings

June 24, 2008

So much for sayings

Just got my period...

THIS SUCKS

Happy June

Thankfully, June began with the most gorgeous day. I had brunch with a couple of girlfriends. We went to a restaurant on the water, which was perfect. Nice food, great company, a couple of bloody marys....no complaints there. We did laugh though at our waiter, who walked into the glass concertina door, not once, but TWICE. Then he told us he'd walked into a street sign the day before...and he had the bruise on his forehead to prove it!!!

Then I got my period this morning....finally. This month seems to have been rather long. Other months I haven't wanted my period, but I needed it to come so I could start the cycle again and go back on Clomid. So after yoga, I called the fertility clinic and got an appointment. Everyone there is SO lovely. They all asked about my vacation...I told them about it and that I need a do over. The nurse took my blood and the Dr did an ultrasound. I was given my Rx for Clomid and Ovidrel and sent on my way. I have to wait for a phone call later today giving me the green light to start taking the pills and will go back next week so they can monitor when I'm going to ovulate...

That's all I got for now. I have to head out to go to work this afternoon, maybe I'll have something fun to add later.

Meeting meat

After about 20 years of being a vegetarian, as you know, I'm now eating red meat. I was planning on neither eating nor cooking it at home. However, I love to cook and decided I should add some meat dishes to my repetior.

In order to do this, I had to actually stop at the meat counter...something I don't ever give a second thought to. The man behind the counter asked me what I needed...."errr, serve this person first" I said, and pointed to my left at the woman who had just walked up. I think I looked like a deer in headlights, which is a funny analogy seeing as I was probably staring at venison. I had gone to the store knowing what I needed, but while the animal of choice was there, it's rump wasn't.

Thank goodness (yet again) for technology...and my Blackberry. I im'd my Mum from the pre-prepared food isle. By now I'd walked away from the meat counter because I was sure they were sick of looking at me and my cluelessness and I was getting fed up saying "no, you can go before me". She explained, after realizing while I food shop most days, it's NEVER EVER been for red meat and that I could buy a beef instead of lamb. I went back with my head held high, told a different meat man what I wanted, paid and left. Crisis averted.

Then there's my dog, who thinks this is the best thing that's ever happened to him. He's not a begging dog, thankfully, because he's never had anything to beg me for! Now there's actual meat in the house...not like he doesn't get some form of it every day, but this is real, there's A LOT of it and boy it smells great. I was cooking last night and his head kept poking around the kitchen door, just in case I had extra to give him, or something fell on the floor (he doesn't care about the 3 second rule). I, of course kept out a little bit of meat and gave it to him when I was finished.

I gotta say, the dish is actually quite tasty.

Sliding Doors

You remember the movie with Gwyneth Paltrow....Your fate is decided by the decisions you make. If you take five minutes extra to get ready one morning and you miss the train, on the next one, the one you never catch, is the man/woman of your dreams. It's a lame analogy I know, but you get the idea.

I'm telling you this because I spoke to my friend yesterday morning, the one whose house sitter/co worker od'd. I asked her how the girl was and if there were any repercussions. This was her response...

"She's ok and YES, of course there were. You know I don't understand why she chose to do it. I understand being upset over a guy (they found out after that the girl had had an argument with her boyfriend), but c'mon it wasn't her house, or her prescription pills. My boyfriend feels responsible because they were his, even though we all keep telling him he shouldn't. She's 30, not 18 and old enough to make wise choices, or so we thought.

Now, her job is in jeopardy, she will probably have ongoing health problems, her boyfriend wants nothing to do with her and she has to go to a psychologist EVERY week. If she misses a week, they will make her go to a facility. It was a split second decision, well, not split second because she had to find the pills, but it was a decision she made that had dire consequences. I don't think she really meant to kill herself, just ease whatever pain she was in emotionally, but she's affected not only her life, but the lives of many other people. This fact, she did not take into consideration as she swallowed the multitude of pretty colored pills."

Every day every one of us has choices we must make, some more difficult than others....do I want peanut butter or honey on my toast? Should I fill up with gas here where it's a gazillion dollars or wait to see what the price is down the road (where it ends up being 20 cents more)? To things that are really life changing...should we get married? Should we have a baby? Should I take the job with the cute boss, or the one with all the benefits? I'm upset, maybe I'll take these pills....you get the jist.

A lot of thought went into my decision to get pregnant (which better happen soon). I know the final outcome...I'll have a baby. I'm well aware that it won't be the easiest thing I've done, but it's something I've wanted for a very long time. One of my brothers, while he supports my decision, tried to talk me out of it. Funnily enough he's been the only one out of my family and all my friends and while I listened to what he had to say, and don't disagree with most of it, there are more positives than negatives.

So, maybe if I wouldn't have had that relationship with that guy a few years ago, I might have met someone else whom I would have married and had kids with, but we can't change the past, so you have to look forward and learn from the choices you made.

I'm Baaaack

I've been quite under the weather since my return to the US. As you know I got sick the last week of my vacation, which SUCKED BIG TIME. I had to say good bye to my grandmother from the other side of the room and couldn't see my nephew or niece, nor any of my friends...

Oh well...shit happens and now I've moved on.

Everything was a ok when I got home. Needless to say my dog was more than excited when I walked in the front door on Sunday night. He then proceeded to not let me out of his sight for the following 24 hours.

I dropped by the fertility clinic on Monday to let them know I was back and I'd be seeing them in a couple of weeks.

I'm finally feeling somewhat normal, which is a bonus seeing as this weekend is Memorial Day weekend....the unofficial start of summer and I would like to go out an enjoy the gorgeous weather they have predicted.

A funny thing happened today, but I"ll go back to the beginning of the story so it makes sense...

When I was in Sydney, I was set up on a blind date. A friend of a friend knew a guy whom she wanted to introduce me to, so she organized a group dinner to make it easier. Dinner was fun and we met again for coffee a few days later.

Here's the funny part...I was talking to a customer this afternoon, who said to me "you came up in conversation the other night." Ummm, ok. "apparently you were set up with Jim Brown (we'll call him that for anonimity purposes). How'd it go?" Errr, how did this get from Sydney to here and where is the link??? She went on to tell me friends had come for dinner and somehow the store I run had come up in conversation. Both women shop there and know me. The guy (who was the guest) is someone I've known for many years and know a lot of the same people. Somehow a connection was made from the store conversation and he, knowing the brother of my blind date, told everyone about the "set up". Funny just how small the world really is.

Sidebar...the guy actually lives in the US and was on vacation in Australia.

Since my last post...

I've contracted strep and have been battling a fever and throat that feels like I've swallowed razor blades. It's either due to stress, or eating meat, I'm not sure which.

I've been seeing a Chinese acupuncturist the past couple of weeks who told me, amongst other things, that my body is too cold and I should eat red meat...something I haven't done in about 20 years. At the moment, I'll do almost anything to get pregnant, so a carnivore I've become. It took me about a week to be able to actually put a piece of meat in my mouth and it was disguised as something with lots of tomato sauce...not so bad...I can do this.

Then there's my friend who came back from what sounded like a fun vacation with her boyfriend. She had let one of her co workers house sit while they were gone to water the plants and feed the fish. They arrived home to find the co worker gone and her front door wide open. Was she stolen? Nothing was missing. What the hell happened?

She started calling around and finally found the phone number to the co worker's boyfriend whom she had met a few times, so he had no qualms telling her his girlfriend had over dosed and was now in the hospital...GREAT.

She had started texing her boyfriend the other night and he thought they sounded weird, so he called 000 (911 for the US readers). He followed not far behind and someone, evidently, forgot to close the door, or turn off any lights. Fortunately, fish are unable to run away. Needless to say, there were a couple of stressful days.

What did she OD on, you ask...Well, my friend's boyfriend had knee surgery a couple of months ago. That's why they had gone on vacation now, it had been postponed from March and they had waited until it was 100% better so they could enjoy themselves. He had been prescribed painkillers that he had filled, but hadn't actually taken and were still in the medicine cabinet...vicodin, oxycodone, I'm not sure if there was anything else. She found them though and had her own "special" party.

My week of sagas does not end there...

I received an email at 2am a couple of nights ago from one of the girls at work saying the girl I employed before I left, the one I've known for ages and has always been reliable, had not turned up for work that day and did I know where to find her as her cell phone went straight to voice mail. The last I'd heard from her, she was at my place looking after my dog...YAY.

She was eventually located in the hospital with a kidney thing that she'd contrated the night before and doesn't know when and if she's coming back to work....double yay.

This has been an interesting week to say the least...

Mother's Day

It's great to be able to celebrate the day with my Mum and grandmother especially seeing as I live SO far away and hopefully next year I'll be a part of this club.

We were out having a fun family lunch when I got a text message from my friend who now has my dog..."I'm going to be thrown out of the apartment by my boyfriend. Ollie can't stay here any longer, what should I do?" I looked at the time where she is and it was 11pm on Saturday night...ummm, well, not sure. Had she let me know a couple of hours earlier, I could have called around, but not at that hour. I suggested seeing as she had the key to my apartment, she take him there (she lives two minutes from me) and I figure out something for tomorrow. This is rather stressful for me.

I'm sure you're all thinking "he's a dog, send him to be boarded", which is now what I'm going to have to do, but I've never had to board him before and doing it from the other side of the world is not easy. Although he IS a dog, he's quirky and VERY much a momma's boy, seeing as he's always with me...this was not part of my vacation plan and yet another test, although I'm not sure why (yet again).

PLEASE stop testing me....

I know I said I'd write more yesterday, but I was with one of my best friend's salons having my hair colored and cut and got my period. Wasn't in a blogging frame fo mind after that.

This was NOT my plan and now I'm going to have to take the month off because for some reason, unbeknownst to me, both my GP and Gynocologist happen to be away the whole time I'm here. I was scrambling yesterday afternoon to find a Dr to go to today to give me a blood test, and also making call after call to see if anyone knew of a fertility Dr who would Rx me Clomid and do all the preliminary stuff so that I could be inseminated the morning after I get home, I realized it was stoopid.

A. This is supposed to be a vacation and I would end up spending most of it at the Dr

B. I would have to FIND a Dr to do it, so this should probably be A. and therefore spend today on the phone looking.

C. I called my fertility clinic at home last night and spoke to one of the nurses and told her my dilemma. We counted the days back from when I arrive home and it doesn't work anyway. I would ovulate a couple of days prior.

D. Therefore, my only option would be to do the whole thing here, so I would have to go through steps A and B AND have to have new sperm sent from the US.

I've waited this long, what's one more month.

G'day (I'm not a fan of the word)

Here I am in what should be sunny Sydney. It was yesterday when I arrived, which apparently was very exciting for everyone because last week was freezing (Sydney freezing, not NE America freezing) and it rained constantly for the two weeks prior...oh and my arrival was exciting for all and sundry also.

My plane got in at 8am and Mum was there to greet me. First thing I did when we got home was shower. I'm such a germophobe and the thought of plane/airport germs skeeves me out. The flight, apart from being incredibly long, was incident free and I got to catch up on all the movies I hadn't seen...No Country For Old Men, Atonement (I cried buckets at the end. The man sitting next to me mucsh have thought I was crazy), Gone Baby Gone, The Kite Runner (more tissues please) and 27 Dresses (needed a light fluffy one so there would be no more crying). I cannot sleep on planes, no matter whether I'm cramped on a coach seat, or lying flat in biz, CANNOT sleep...it's infuriating. Couldn't take anything either, just in case I am pregnant.

See, I hadn't forgotten, just waiting it out alothough today I feel like I'm going to get my period, which would suck, but I have a plan for while I'm here, if that ends up being the case. I called my gynocologist who I see when I'm here, to find out he's away, probably at Angie and Brad's wedding, or something (haha). He was my plan A, so I had to then devise plan B. Today I have to call the Dr who sees his patients when he's unavailable and beg his to see me this week...maybe, if I get my period...well, I'll call and speak to his receptionist and hear what she has to say.

I saw my grandmother yesterday. I was very happy that she recognized me straight away...she IS about to turn 98, and I haven't seen her in a year. I also got to see my nephew and niece. My nephew and I IM and email to catch up, but my niece is too young for that. She's one very cute, wacky chick. When I saw her last year, she was only 18 months old and the only way she knows me is from when she hears her parents or mine talk about me, or when I send her clothes. I brought her lots of nail polish from Priti and today we are having pedis and she's getting rainbow toes. She won't show me her clothes because for some reason, one none of us understand, she thinks I'm going to take the ones I've given her, back. I asked her why I she wouldn't show them to me and she said "because I want to keep them" So sad/cute/puzzling.

I'll add to this later today....

It's May and it's FREEZING

I've just finished packing. I had to wait until the 11th hour because if I would have done it while my dog, Ollie was here, he would have had an anxiety attack. Not to say he hasn't been sick for a week, but it would have been worse, much worse. I've had him at the vet twice since Monday and still there is nothing wrong with him. I'm sure he understands me and has been listening to everyone wishing me a great trip, or asking how long the flight is (LONG). He decided if he is really sick, I wont go (WRONG). I had the vet give me medication and special-diet food and took him to my friend's house. They have his brother, and know the eccentricities of the breed, of which there are many.

I have no idea what to pack...well, I do, the same clothes as I've been wearing here. This sucks because I was all ready for some warm weather. It was gorgeous here last week and then over the weekend the cold returned. Everyone's in denial and braving flip flops and light long sleeve tops in 50 degree weather, including moi. So, I've packed a bit of everything and too many things I won't wear. I figure I'll shop if I need something...who am I fooling, I'll shop anyway. What's with that? Why do we females always over pack? It's a rhetorical question. I'm well aware of the answer...I, like you, have no idea what I'm going to want to wear on any specific day and what looked great on you two days ago, you would now not been seen in public in.

I'm working tomorrow and leaving straight from there to go to the airport, so I have to have my apartment in order, like clean out the fridge so I don't come home to moldy experiments.

Enjoy your weekend, my next post will be from Sydney.

April 18th

I've been a bit quiet this week because I'm trying not to let this consume my life...this, meaning trying to get pregnant, not THIS, my blog, but they kinda go hand in had at the moment. Sooooo, hence my silence.

Here's the latest, just so you're all up to date....

I'm on day four of my Clomid. The headaches I was getting last month from it are not nearly as bad, or as frequent, thank goodness and there's one day to go. Then I go back to the Dr on Tuesday so they can do another ultra sound to check on my ovulation technique...I think I've mastered it now, and then hopefully they'll tell me I can come in on Thursday for another insemination.

Going through this last month was very surreal. I went through the motions, but wasn't "feeling" it. This month, however, I'm there, or here, as the case may be. I've been having strict talks to my reproductive organs and told them that whatever they've heard me say in the past, is just that, past and now we have a great opportunity to have a baby, but I need them on board, or what's the point. My eggs just HAVE to make the donor sperm (I'll think of a proper name for him, eventually) like them, no matter what.

I'll write more later. It's finally beautiful outside and I'm going to meet a girl friend for a drink. The temperature has gone from 35 degrees, two weeks ago, to 77 today.

N

April 16th

Did I answer all the sperm questions yesterday? I'm still making my way around my blog site. The one friend of mine who would be able to help me do everything, DOESN'T KNOW!!! We talk every morning and IM during the day, but I want to tell him face to face and haven't seen him since I made the decision. Unlike me emailing my girlfriends with;
"....you might want to read this..."
and send them a link to ohohbaby, I want to see his reaction. He has two kids and I know he doesn't want anymore, so he wont be on the offering-to-donate list.

How did I get to be talking about him? Oh, right, he's my "tech support" (he'll hate that), and would be able to make this all spiffy, or at least talk me through how to do it myself. In the next couple of weeks I'll get a Q & A page up. I'm really trying to answer all your questions and I apologize if I haven't got to yours yet...I will, I promise I will.

This is a bit all over the place tonight. I'm back home after being at friend's since Sunday looking after their dog. I'm SO looking forward to sleeping in my bed. Ollie, my dog, has been in his bed since we got home...well, he ate and went straight to bed! I'm following right now...

mwah

questions, questions...

I didn't make this decision to do this anonymous sperm donor thing overnight ya know. It took nearly a year to convince me it was not only a good idea, but the right one. I started looking into it last year, but it all seemed to overwhelming, so I went back to wishing for my prince, or an immaculate conception. Then I woke up and realized neither were happening in the near future so I HAD to bite the bullet and make the decision.

Thank goodness for the internet. I spent hours staring at it, well at the screen, reading, reading, reading. Then I started talking to friends. Funnily most of which knew of someone who had done it (I've said this in previous posts). I am fascinated as to why a guy would want to be a donor. How could he father children he will never meet and then go on to have a meaningful relationship and a family of his own? Does he ever think about them? How weird would it be to walk down the isle of a supermarket, or be sitting in an airport lounge and see a little boy who is the spitting image of you.

I chose the baby daddy that I did after narrowing my search down to one religion, wow, already the pool had shrunk, height and eye color (yes, I'm that pathetic). I've always been attracted to a certain type of guy, as are most girls and eye color, oddly enough played a part in it, so I decided to stick to my "list" (more on this in a future post) and choose a donor with that specific feature. Well, then there were only a handful, which actually made the whole process MUCH less intimidating. I read through the profiles and sent a couple of finalists to friends to help with the decision. The one I chose was the donor we had all actually agreed on. No, I will never reveal his id number, just fyi.

Here's the scoop that I've found out so far, on donors...

They have to be between 19 and 39 years old and be graduates or graduating from a major 4 year US university.

They go through a stringent screening process including interviews, genetic history, a complete physical examination and then have to leave several sperm samples for medical testing. This includes all STD's, Hepatitis B and C and anything to do with Hepatitis, HIV....you get the idea. They are very thorough and repeat the process more than once. Then there's all the genetic tests which include Tay Sachs, Canavan Disease, Sickle Cell Disease, Familial Dysautonomia and Chromosome Analysis and Cystic Fibrosis. If this was a book, you would be able to reference the descriptions for these genetic diseases on page 254, but no, it's a blog and I'm still trying to become technically savvy enough to figure out how to link them...give me time...

They have to commit to the program for one to two years and donate 2-3 times A WEEK for which they get $75/specimen. That's $1100 a week if they donate three times!!! What guy would say no to THAT???

The guy has to agree to have a twice yearly physical exam and have blood tests every three months. Not so terrible when you get to "donate" for money 3 times a week!!!

How's this....they only accept less than 1% of all men who apply....cool, huh?